Not at all Phat...but a little Fat.

I have some fairly surprising news for my thousands of readers...ok, my one reader (Hi Mom!). Anyways, the shocker:
Apparently typing does not burn as many calories as I had assumed. I had done a quick calculation and deduced that by posting a short blog about 3 times a week I should be burning about 17,000 calories. But, I forgot to take into account that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.
That happens more often than you'd think.
Unless you were thinking all the time. Then you'd be bang on. Douche.

Today the F-Bomb beat me until encouraged me to clean out my closet. That's not a metaphor or anything, I just had a messy closet. Although, it does seem like something that could catch on in the high schools;

"Can you believe what Katie said to Britney?"
"I know, she's going to clean that skank's closet."

Actually. That's stupid. That's not catching on anywhere. Don't even think about pointing out that I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about...

Right, back to the story that i'm sure you're all deeply enthralled in. My closet was a heaping mass of clothing struggling to break free. I pulled it out and sorted through it. Discovering that although some of it was horribly outdated, or kept for reasons beyond my comprehension (Who know's when I will need a mustard yellow Shell gas station employee shirt on short notice), a lot of it fell into the category of perfectly acceptable fashion still in good condition.

This is when the already crappy task turned a darker shade of crappy. The F-bomb questioned my intentions with all the clothing, and why so much of it wasn't in my regular rotation. This is when she stumbled across my secret shame. Or, not so secret if you have moderate to high vision skills. Or any vision skills for that matter.
Blog. I'm getting a little fat. The clothes don't fit.
Boom.
There it is: I'm not cool, I can't grow man quality facial hair, I develop crushes on key-boardists, and I'm kind of fat.
Whatever, I tricked a hot girl into engaging with  me. Suck on that.

Now, let's clarify here. I'm not morbidly obese or anything. I'm just getting a little too chunky around the mid section. I've got a wedding in about a 16 months though, so you know what blog? (Rhetorical question...don't answer...it's coming...)
I need to do something about this!
The down side to this is that I've said that before and clearly accomplished nothing.
Well, nothing is more vicious than the internet. So have at me internet!! I weighed myself today and clocked in at 196 lbs.
I'm going to try to bring that down, and I will post my weight every Sunday. Maybe you people i've paid off to get the hit count up faithful readers can mock me into losing some pounds. Or shame me into eating more, this could really go either way. Your call.
I'm sure none of you care, but guess what? I don't care that you don't care. This shit is free. I can type all I want. I can even just skip lines and just take up space on the page.



I own this page, I can do whatever I want to it.
....
I'm sorry - I was only joking! Please tell me you enjoyed the story, please!!
I crave your affection so much!
Wow. That comes off a lot more sarcastic than it was intended.
Oh well.