Ryan versus TD Bank: Round 2

What. The. Fuck.
If I didn't owe these A-holes so much money I might think about switching banks.
Or just burying all my money in an empty pickle jar in the back yard.
Oh...I don't have a back yard. Uhh...Stitching it into the liners of my suit jackets?
Yeah. That'll work.

I'm assuming you all read my previous post about the diabolical plans of Toronto Dominion Bank (See? "Dominion", they sound evil...) to ruin my life. The first one of you to comment that to "assume" makes an ass out of you and me will be given my cat.
Yes. That is a threat.
He's a douche.

Well, today, I once again had to venture into the deep dark depths of Dominion territory. As usual I had to fight with every ounce of my being to make it out alive. By that, I of course mean that it was a huge pain in the ass. I went to the one nearest my house only to discover that they were having "technical difficulties", by that I assume everything was fine they just fucking hate me.

"Oh, so sorry" they said with an evil grin "you'll just have to go to another branch. Ha...mwa...mu...MWAHAHWHUHAUHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

"Ummm...what's with the crazy laugh?" I asked, whilst looking handsome as always

"I wasn't laughing about you...I was...laughing about something that happened earlier...yeah."

"Really? Because it kind of sounded like you just started the countdown sequence for a Doomsday drill headed for the centre of the earth with a payload of weapons grade Plutonium."

".....No. I uhh, just remembered something super duper funny that was on Leno last night."

Like an idiot I believed them, but I should have realized something was wrong right then and there: LENO ISN"T FUNNY AT ALL.*
How could I be so foolish?!?!

I drove to the next closest branch were I was told that their system was down as well, in fact, the whole system was down.
I recoiled in shock; "Well then why was I instructed to come to another branch, you dirty rotten son of a B?"
"Well Ryan that is just one more step in our evil master plan to ruin your life."
"What?"
" I said I guess they made a mistake. I'll phone and tell them not to do that/send them a gift basket."

So basically, yeah, I drove around for an hour and got zero banking accomplished. FML.
I just don't understand how EVERYTHING can be not working.
That would be like going to a movie theatre and them being like "Oh, yeah, uhh...none of our movies are working. Also, every other theatre in the city is broken too. Sorry."
But, in fact, it's worse, because they have MY MONEY. It's mine, I'm not looking to buy something from them, or make them money. They have something that BELONGS TO ME and are ballsy enough to be like "Tough. Come back later."

This is the enemy. His name is W. Edmund Clark, and he is the CEO of TD.

I think it's right for me to assume the 'W' stands for Whore.

If you see this man on the street punch him in the face. Do it for me. 

I'll give you my cat in return.

Seriously, somebody take this guy, he's only cute like 8% of the time. The rest of the time he's trying to rip the flesh from my bones.

*Seriously, I fucking hate the guy. Someone punch him in the face too. Then promise that five years from now you won't punch him in the face, and then do it anyways.

The Suit Up Challenge 4/25/10

What has two thumbs and loses weight?
This guy.
I'm pointing at myself with my thumbs by the way.

This lovely Sunday morning I am down to 187.6 and I feel pretty darn good about it. I even got up to go to the gym before work yesterday at 8:30 in the morning! Yeesh, what's wrong with me?

Anyhow, I know I have been pretty un-postly this last week and I super apologize. I'm working on a couple of ideas though. So, stay tuned. Or go find a better blog. Perhaps one that I have linked to on my page. All of which are excellent.

I will try and post something hilarious soon.

Seacrest Out.

Full Disclosure.

I had two pints last night.
I really shouldn't have, what with the weight loss venture and all.
Work was brutal though.
They were effing delicious.
Don't judge me, judgers.
I'm still doing good.
I was going to go out tomorrow night because I write my last final today, but now, I feel like I shouldn't because I already had those two.
Man. Weight loss is the opposite of fun.

Consumer Rage

It's a good thing for the city of Edmonton that I have never been exposed to dangerously high amounts of Gamma radiation.
If that were the case i'm sure I would have destroyed half of the city today.
Then probably took a nap.

Here's the deal, I had some errands to run today, involving 3 locations:
The Fed-Ex Depot for my DVD box set of Sweet Valley High new contact lenses.
Rona for super manly man stuff....ok. Recycling bins that the F-bomb requested.
TD bank. Figure it out.

As any wise man/boy such as myself would do I google mapped the hell out of this town, finding the Fed-ex depot and the closest corresponding Rona, assuming there would be ample TD banks along the way.

If this was Shakespeare this would be the part where the CEO of TD has a little soliloquy explaining to everyone else that he fucking hates me and wants to ruin my day. It's probably because he's a cock-holster.

Stop #1!!
This Fed-Ex depot, like every Fed-Ex depot, is buried in an industrial area within a maze of stupid roads each with an 'a' and a 'b' (For instance 87 a street). Luckily, I had previously worked in the area and did not have much trouble finding the place. I did have trouble believing that the guy behind the counter was actually sporting a pony-tail. Really? Still? Cmon.

Stop #2-3!!
Google maps had shown me the closest Rona to the Fed-ex, which luckily was nearby. Although in its infinite wisdom Google failed to label this particular Rona as completely shitty. Seriously, they didn't have any of the things that were on the Rona website. It was all like, lumber, and tools. Who needs that?
So, I had to find another Rona. I went to the location of the only other one I was aware of, on Calgary Trail, and was managed to discover what I needed there. I only had to go 30 blocks out of my way to get it.

Stop #3-5!!
TD fucking Bank. Apparently TD stands for Total Dicks. Wait, or Terrible Douches. I can do better....Tyrannical Dorks?
There was one about 5 blocks away from Rona, "Oh, how convenient" I say to myself. What I should of said to myself was "Jeez self, today looks like a great day to drive around with your thumb up your ass." When I got to TD I discovered that it was closed for renovations, or something. Closed anyways. Damn it. So, onward to the next one. I tried to think best location, that would suit my return trip home, one came to mind, that was the least out of my way...but still out of my way.
Hey, guess what?
No really. Guess.
I'll wait....


*picks teeth*


*fart*


No? No ideas?
Ok. Yeah. It was fucking closed for some reason too.
RAAARRRGGGG RYAN SMASH PUNY BANK!!!


I was a little upset. I went to a third location, it was open. I did my banking. The end.
Wait.
Fuck TD.
Now The End.

The Suit Up Challenge 4/18/10

Ok, it's Sunday, that means I'm supposed to weigh in for you heathens and let you mock me as necessary.
Well guess what Mo-Fo's....there will be no mocking here today!!! Unless you want to be a dick about it, but that's your call really.

SIDEBAR- I was trying to write this, and the F-Bomb was interrupting me to correct my grammar, at which point she started singing a grammar song. Not joking. God she's cool...

Ok, back to you guys being dicks, or whatever. Drumroll.....
192.2
Yeah - Suck it.
To be fair, that was my weigh in first thing when I got up. Yes, I got up at 11am. Whatever...I worked late. Don't judge.
Anyways, last Sunday was 196, but I don't think I weighed myself at the same time, presumably I may have had more food in me or something at the time. Because I don't think I lost an entire 4 pounds in one week....although....I am pretty fucking awesome.
From now on though I will weigh in first thing in the morning when I get up on Sundays, and that way everything will be even.
Still though, I clearly have lost some weight and am well on my way to my suit.
I won't lie to you fine people (and Michelle...Zing!); this is very difficult. I haven't even had that good of a week, I had some finals to write, and I had to go to my dad's to see my grandma, and I had to work. So I didn't even have time go for a run or a bike ride or anything. I have been doing push-ups and crunches, but other than that the big change has been my diet.
I've been eating much healthier and trying to drink lots of water. There has been no snacking in between meals, or at night after work. I have been soooo hungry all week, because i've become so used to eating larger portions than I should, and snacking and what not. So I think that is a big help. I'm also afraid of the internet backlash if I were to not lose the weight I promised.
I mean, I got enough fat jokes in school, I don't want anymore.
Alright. That's about it.
I wish this had turned out a little more entertaining for everyone...but I just woke up.
I'll try to come up with something better later on.
Or maybe I won't.
If you don't like it you go ahead and start your own blog.

Does this make me a bad person...or AN EVIL GENIUS?! MUHUHAHAHAHAHA......

The Date: Some time last week, I'm not good with days.
The Place: Somewhere in Edmonton, I'm not good with streets.

It was a hot day...or maybe it was cold, no - wait, I think it was windy. Yeah, definitely windy. I tried to act cool as I approached the front of my local dry cleaners, but I wasn't cool-quite the opposite: I was hot as balls!!
I was taking a handful of ties in to get dry cleaned but I had a dirty, dirty, filthy little secret; two of my ties....were damaged! Dum-dum-dum *dramatic music*
The little thing on the back that holds the back piece behind the front piece had broken on one, and the other was on its way and had some loose threads. I kind of figured that the guy would notice and make me sign or something noting the damage, but secretly I was hoping he wouldn't notice at all!
I walked in the front door, the guy behind the counter was old, really old. Nice. That was a good thing, he didn't check at all...although he did have to try three times to properly count all six ties. Yeah.
Success, he didn't even notice the damage. Stage One complete.
Stage two; I went and picked up my ties today...."Oh whaaaattttt? At the tailors? Damage? I am utterly and truly surprised. Agreed, it must have happened in the machine. Pleasure doing business with you. I will be back when you have fully repaired the damage that clearly you, and no one else, caused."

MWUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....ack-*cough**choke*....
Uhhh...you get the point.

You know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I don't care.

I don't normally work Saturday mornings, that's just how it goes. So, even though this Saturday morning in particular I happen to have a final exam to write, I didn't feel the need to inform the person that makes the schedule at work.
Silly me.
I should have known better then to tempt the fates like that.
Of course she ended up needing me to work the morning...and I had to weasel out of it, making me feel like a douche.
Some of you may be asking yourselves, and anyone near-by with telepathy, "Why the feeling of douche-tasticness Ryan? That's a perfectly good reason to not be able to make shift."others may be asking themselves "Why the fuck do we read this blog, this guy is boring as crap." Well. To that second group; I am rubber, and you are glue, so fuck off.
To the first group; I feel that way because there is a lot of irresponsible people at my job, and although I couldn't say for certain, I am pretty sure that they pull shit like that alllll the time. Or just not show up at all, which I see happen frequently.
I see this as causing the building of an adequate schedule to be a loathsome task. This manager does it every week, and I don't hear her complain about it. Good for her.
Since I think she already puts up with enough crap, I try not to send any of my own her way.
Also,
I think it's sad when I act as irresponsible as a 15 year old.

It runs in the family...

Hey, y'all.
Or something.
I'm visiting my Grandmother, she's awesome and has a moustache.
What more can I say really?
I came to visit and I am staying a day or two, also i'm getting to see my father and Step-mom (Broken family high-five!).
Well, as we all know I decided that I needed to lose weight. Apparently visiting the two sweetest ladies I know was a terribe fucking idea.
Yesterday I was offered cake about 9 times, not to mention chips, popcorn, and more cake. My dad is super fat, incase you were wondering.
I managed to decline all of them. Go me.
Unfortunately today they were able to discover my achille's heal...or stomach, or whatever.
Beer.
"Oh, hey buddy, we got you some Bud Light Lime...if you're interested..."
You damn harpies, you know I'm interested!
So yeah....I ditched all those snacks yesterday, but now I'm about five beers deep and my grandma is drinking three finger whiskeys with a splash of water.
Also, she may have mentioned my grandfather had a small penis.
Not as shocking as you think, you get used to her after a while.



I need to end this...but I'm not really sure where it is going.
Well...as my grandma would say; I guess you are all S.O.L.
Suck it.

Not at all Phat...but a little Fat.

I have some fairly surprising news for my thousands of readers...ok, my one reader (Hi Mom!). Anyways, the shocker:
Apparently typing does not burn as many calories as I had assumed. I had done a quick calculation and deduced that by posting a short blog about 3 times a week I should be burning about 17,000 calories. But, I forgot to take into account that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.
That happens more often than you'd think.
Unless you were thinking all the time. Then you'd be bang on. Douche.

Today the F-Bomb beat me until encouraged me to clean out my closet. That's not a metaphor or anything, I just had a messy closet. Although, it does seem like something that could catch on in the high schools;

"Can you believe what Katie said to Britney?"
"I know, she's going to clean that skank's closet."

Actually. That's stupid. That's not catching on anywhere. Don't even think about pointing out that I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about...

Right, back to the story that i'm sure you're all deeply enthralled in. My closet was a heaping mass of clothing struggling to break free. I pulled it out and sorted through it. Discovering that although some of it was horribly outdated, or kept for reasons beyond my comprehension (Who know's when I will need a mustard yellow Shell gas station employee shirt on short notice), a lot of it fell into the category of perfectly acceptable fashion still in good condition.

This is when the already crappy task turned a darker shade of crappy. The F-bomb questioned my intentions with all the clothing, and why so much of it wasn't in my regular rotation. This is when she stumbled across my secret shame. Or, not so secret if you have moderate to high vision skills. Or any vision skills for that matter.
Blog. I'm getting a little fat. The clothes don't fit.
Boom.
There it is: I'm not cool, I can't grow man quality facial hair, I develop crushes on key-boardists, and I'm kind of fat.
Whatever, I tricked a hot girl into engaging with  me. Suck on that.

Now, let's clarify here. I'm not morbidly obese or anything. I'm just getting a little too chunky around the mid section. I've got a wedding in about a 16 months though, so you know what blog? (Rhetorical question...don't answer...it's coming...)
I need to do something about this!
The down side to this is that I've said that before and clearly accomplished nothing.
Well, nothing is more vicious than the internet. So have at me internet!! I weighed myself today and clocked in at 196 lbs.
I'm going to try to bring that down, and I will post my weight every Sunday. Maybe you people i've paid off to get the hit count up faithful readers can mock me into losing some pounds. Or shame me into eating more, this could really go either way. Your call.
I'm sure none of you care, but guess what? I don't care that you don't care. This shit is free. I can type all I want. I can even just skip lines and just take up space on the page.



I own this page, I can do whatever I want to it.
....
I'm sorry - I was only joking! Please tell me you enjoyed the story, please!!
I crave your affection so much!
Wow. That comes off a lot more sarcastic than it was intended.
Oh well.

Guy-Love/ Teenage girls don't know shit

In the immortal semi-relavent to the 90's words of Pop star singer Jennifer Paige; It's just a little crush.
Also, it happens to be on a man. That's right, I have a man crush. Deal with it. This is 2010 people. This video is of Tony from Crash Kings singing Mountain Man. Now, all the teenage girls tend to develop the lust towards the guys playing the guitar. It's a known fact that guys learn to play guitar to pick up chicks. Well guess what; fuck that. Cause this guy doesn't play guitar and I want to bone him. Hard. Metaphorically.



Also, to even out the homo-eroticness, I also happen to think Liz from that MTV show is just as cute as a button. Mostly because she's kind of nerdy.



Now, I know what you are thinking gigantic mob of followers; "Ryan, I thought you only had eyes for your F-bomb?"
Well, she's probably reading this, so to answer your question: Of course. I was only kidding about crushes, be it on males or females. I don't even leave the house most of the time because I might accidentally see another woman, and that's not something that is ok.
Or so I've been told.
...
...
Please send help.

The Bane of My Existence.

License to Thrill

I just applied for my Passport. I'm 23. Apparently some people think I should have done this a long time ago, *cough*F-bomb*cough*,  whatever. It hasn't been a problem before, but now that I have it i'm thinking about all the awesome places I could go visit!

Destination number 1!
 Fruita, Colorado's "Mike the Headless Chicken Festival"
No, I'm not kidding. In 1945 someone cut the head of a chicken and he lived for another 18 months. If that's not festival material I don't know what is*. This year they have a 5K race, music, a petting zoo, lawnmower races (!), and, of course, a chicken wing-eating contest.
I'm not telling you when it is because I don't want anyone going and sucking the fun out of it before I get there.

Destination number 2!
Clinton, Montana's "Testicle Festival"
Uhh. Bull Balls. That's about it. Apparently about 4000 pounds are consumed every year.
Just so we're clear, I don't want to chow on some nut. But I am very curious to see what kind of people eat 4000 pounds of this a year.


Destination number 3!
This just got awkward.
I seriously just spent like 20 minutes googling to try and come up with something else. No go. Turns out I didn't have a Passport for a reason.
Maybe I'm just to sleepy to make this post funny.
I had a plan, it didn't really come together.
I would feel guilty if you all weren't a bunch of freeloaders. I don't owe you anything!!
Uh-oh. I'm getting cranky, I should take a nap.




*If you disagree, let's see you pull it off, hotshot.

Adventures in Manliness

Today I had to go to 4 (4!) different stores just so I could find 'Real Black' Just for Men Beard and Moustache. I mean, is it that unheard of that a young man in the prime (I guess) of life needs to darken up the ol' beard (read: sketchy facial hair)?
No. That's the answer. No.

Crappy Natural Facial Hair

Now, I know what you're thinking; "Ryan, your face is the definition of beauty. Why change a single follicle?" Well, countless internet fans, I'll tell you why, it's because Moustaches are awesome. Let's do a quick re-cap of why:

Burt Reynolds

Tom Selleck

Chuck Norris

Mr.Pringles

Alex Trebek

Billy Dee Williams

My Grandmother

Right. Now we have all been reminded that people with moustaches are awesome. Moving on.

So, Blog-ites (Probably not a word!) I will disclose to you that, yes, from time to time I like to pump up the awesome factor and throw in a little Just For Men to rock the 'stache. Much to the dismay of my F-bomb, who has been bribed with Cadbury mini-eggs.

Fucking Awesome Soon-to-be-moustache Potential      

I also did this the day before my University student ID pictures, so I could revel in it all year long. So for anyone who woke up today thinking "You know, I feel just a bit too cool. I wish there was a way I could knock that down a little." It's called Just For Men.
You're welcome.
    

I can actually feel my money being stolen

So, I'm in my night class.
It's horrible here, never come and visit.
The words "Creativity" and "Innovation" and their definitions have been on the screen for about 20 minutes.
That's it. Nothing else. Well, she's also drawn an odd picture on the side, but I wasn't listening so I don't know what it is.
I can honestly say that so far in this course, Introduction to Management, I've learned almost nothing. But hey, it sure did cost me.
In fact, let's do some Math, it'll be fun kids! Like Bill Nye the Science guy...except, more cursing. Fuck. See?

My tuition:
Approx. $4200

That is for 10 classes, so that means
4200/10 = $420 per class.

This class is once a week for 3 hours, from January 12th to April 13th.
Giving me 14 classes and 42 hours of class.

That means this class costs me about $10 an hour.
I just paid about $3.30 for the definitions of two words I already knew.

AAAAAARRRRRG!

Clash of the Suck

I may, or may not work at a multi-billion dollar franchise movie theatre.

Either way, I do have the opportunity to see a lot of movies, and I abuse this as much possible. I love movies. Love them. I could watch movies all day long and be happy about it. I'm serious about my movies too.

Ask anyone who watched the Oscars with me this year; I drank a bottle of Schnapps and screamed at the TV when Sandra won her Oscar (it's too bad she wasn't competing against a skanky girl from a trailer park, because we know she would lose there).

To me, a film isn't just about entertainment, although many are, but a piece of art. Just the way that a painter pours his heart and soul into a portrait, I believe a director does with a film. Unless that director is Michael Bay, in which case he just fills things with gasoline and shitty acting and blows them up.

This being said, it drives me fucking insane that a piece of crap like Clash of the Titans is making shit loads of money. Seriously, I was selling tickets yesterday telling people "Hey, don't waste your money, I would rather spend two hours sponging Rosie O'Donnell's boob sweat then sit through that again."

Their reply; "Uhhh...ok. I'll have one for the boob-sweat movie please."

How safe do we feel that these are the same people that get to vote in elections? I mean, if they this is how they make a decision as simple as "What looks like it doesn't suck", it's no wonder Glen Beck hates health care reform; he must be a Renny Harlin fan.

Let's take a look at some of the "Block-Buster" films of the last year:

Hotel for Dogs - Worldwide gross of $118 million.

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 46%

My Bloody Valentine (In 3D!!) - Worldwide gross of $98 million

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 55%

The Pink Panther 2 - Worldwide gross of $70 million

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 13%

Finally, a movie so bad it literally made me shake with anger

G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Worldwide gross $302 million

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 36%

First off, Stephen Sommers needs to be punched in the face for allowing ice to sink in water.

Secondly, what the fuck is wrong with the world??

Let me finish this post by putting the rest of these numbers in perspective. The following movies are fucking awesome, and this is the amount of money they made in theatres

The Big Lebowski - Worldwide gross $46 million

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 78%

(500) Days of Summer (Possibly the best movie of last year...) - Worldwide gross $60 million

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 86%

Donnie Darko - Worldwide gross $4.1 million

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 84%

I'm going to go cry in the corner now...

Hey YouTube, I'm coming for you!

Hey kids,

Fun story, I've recently begun building one of those crazy laser deals from Tron that pulls my electrons apart and then puts me back together as Jeff Bridges inside an arcade game.

Not really...

But I would, because YouTube needs to be kicked in the proverbial sack, and I think that's the only way I could do it.

I made the Lunge-Fest movie the other day, and I had a bunch of people asking me to put it on YouTube. Well I tried damn it, I tried! But apparently my video contains some "Copyrighted Material" (3 or 4 songs, Boo Hoo record labels.) I gave credit to the artists in the description of the movie, but regardless, The Gods of YouTube have far too high of standards to allow that to slide, and refused to allow the audio of my project to play.

Now, I'm sure most of you have been to YouTube, and seen the BILLIONS of videos containing copyrighted material. So, my question to you is, why me? Why YouTube gods?!?!

I've now started my own internet empire, and in 4-6 years will buy you, and then run you into the ground out of spite. Then I will replace you with my own website, get ready people.

Ry-Tube is coming.

All Ryan, All the time.

Battle of The Bands AKA Lunge-fest 2010