I know what you're thinking:
"Why am I on this stupid website again? Every time I try to go to Facebook I end up here! I think something is wrong with my computer."
Oh there's nothing wrong my darlings, I've just hired a little outside help to hack your computers to my benefit.
Luckily, Nino works for pie.
Right after that thought though, your next thought was more than likely:
"Huh, that seems a rather un-festive blog title Ryan. It just...it's not very fun. MAKE IT FESTIVE RYAN."
In my defence the original title was "You're all going to hate me because I'm not down with Christmas in the crazy-over-the-top-best-thing-ever-stop-talking-about-anything-but-christmas-for-two-months sort of way."
I think this one rolls off the tongue a bit easier. (Side note: Say tongue. Then write/type tongue. Then double check it to make sure it is spelled right. Then realize it's sort of a creepy word...Moist Tongue. Ughh. Ok, I'm done.)
Yeah. Christmas. Pffft.
Now, a lot of you out there are like "OOOhhhh my god Ryan. How dare you!" My F-bomb included. However, if I were to say, Ramadan...Pffft.
A lot of you would have nothing to say. You know who would have something to say? Muslims. It's kind of a big deal for them.
You say "Oh, ok, this makes sense. It's part of their religion so they would care."
Absolutely, good point imaginary reader.
My counter-point:
Then why the hell do you care about Christmas so damn much?
For a good majority of you out there Christmas is not part of your religion, or you don't have a religion, or you "have" a religion. Meaning you say that you are "Insert-relgious-denomination" and thus have to "Arbitrary Tradition" or must not "Arbitrary Rule", and yet don't go to any sort of church, don't follow all of the arbitrary rules and traditions, and probably don't really know that much about it.
But you know what guys? Totally fine.
Totally. I am in no way offended by any of those actions. Do your thing, it's cool.
BUT LET ME DO MINE.
Seriously. Fuck off.
I'm allowed to not go apeshit over Christmas.
I'm FOR SURE allowed to hate annoying Christmas songs.
This doesn't make me a "Grouch" or a "Grinch" or a "Grunt" (That's cunt, but with a G, because apparently all Christmas haters start with Gr's).
I don't tell the F-bomb and the future Mother-in-Law to STOP loving Christmas, so how come I have to START loving it?
I'm not being a jerk, I'm not actively trying to ruin anyone's Christmas. I'm not some kind of monster.
Well...I'm not a monster to you people.
Some would say otherwise.
"I feel like some one is watching me. Also, it smells like farts all of a sudden."
Uhh. Anyways.
I'm not all jazzed up about Christmas, and this shouldn't be a big deal for you.
As stated earlier, it is primarily a religious holiday. I don't have one of those, so I'm out.
"Oh but Ryan," says the imaginary reader who hasn't learned to shut the fuck up yet, "It's not just a religious thing anymore. Many people from many different cultures now celebrate and take part in traditional Christmas festivities!"
So what?
Over 12 million people play World of Warcraft, and some of them follow it religiously.
That doesn't mean I can get pissed at you for not playing and demand we do this once yearly:
Oh, and a fat guy coming down your chimney is totally reasonable?
All I'm saying is, you like what you like, I'll like what I like. If they happen to overlap, great, we can enjoy them together.
But you can't be pissed that I don't shit my pants over the prospect of listening to the same 19 songs on a loop for two months straight in every store I go into.
P.S.- Both my F-bomb and the M-Law are very lovely, great ladies. I very much admire there passion for certain holidays, and expect that one day my kids will have a blast doing all the Christmas stuff with them. It still doesn't change my opinion. Don't be mad at me ladies.
Seeing as I'm sure you are all faithful readers that never miss an entirely random and extremely sparse blog post (they're also full of spelling mistakes!) you probably already heard about this fucking guy. If not, go read it. No really. I'll wait.
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*Cough*
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*Sip water*
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*Really-disgusting-sounding-and-not-at-all-hilarious-flatulence*
...
Oh Hey. You're back.
What smell?
Anyways, that guy is a little ridiculous in that last story, but today he really kicked it up a notch.
In my MSYS class today we were doing presentations, quick back story on the presentation:
We are consulting for a resort, their goal is to make a more stress free, relaxing environment. Currently they have a pass-key system on a necklace that you use to identify yourself and get into your room. They want to make it easier.
The whole point of this project was to come up with a design implementing technology that remove stress points.
The resort doesn't want anyone to have their wallet, cell phone, etc. on them. They don't want them to have to worry about having their credit card when they need something, or losing a room key.
Got it?
Good.
So this guys group goes, and yeah, they did a totally fine job. Who the hell am I to say they aren't going to get a good grade.
Oh right, that's what I do here, I judge people.
They had a system that requires a fancy machine to take a 3D image of your hand.
"Oh cool" you might say "Like fingerprints, so we can just scan our hands."
Yeah...except after you scan your hand you need to punch in a pin code.
"Well...but you still don't have to carry anything around...right?"
Wrong, they stayed with a proximity card room key.
So, as far as I can tell this has essentially added a stress in having to remember a pin, plus the cost of crazy hand imagers, and you still have to carry a key card around.
I wasn't trying to be rude, because honestly, how much do I care about another groups work (The answer; not very fucking much), but I did ask a question about the pin.
It seemed like a bit of a hassle to me to have this pin to have to remember, and I thought, well if someone forgot it and had to go through the proper channels to get a new one, I'm sure that would not be relaxing.
So I asked "If I'm out and get a little too drunk and forgot my pin, what then?"
Seems kind of reasonable I thought.
Reply from Captain McDouchery:
"Just go to the help desk. Haven't you ever been to a resort before?"
Except, when you hear those words picture them coming out of this face,
"I AM A MAN. I HAVE A BEARD...ISH THING."
Great, now you probably heard those words in your head they way they were said: Rudely.
Also, for your information, no. I have not been to a resort before. Woe is me.
Whatever. This didn't bother me too bad...if I went crazy every time someone was a dick I wouldn't make it very far in life.
He didn't leave it there however, our group went later, and even though I'm sure we are going to get quite near the same grade as the other group, we took a different route.
Our design implements a series of user friendly touch screens, and RFID bracelets.
These RFID tagged bracelets do everything; swipe them to pay, swipe them to rent a tennis racket, swipe them to get into your room. It's just a little rubber bracelet, like one of those "Live-Strong" bracelets.
So, after we present, we open it up for questions.
Guess who puts his hand up first?
"Yeah...what if I get too drunk...and then break the touch screen. What then?" Despite the fact that he was clearly being a dick, I attempt to reply, but he and his friend had already begun laughing. So, I continued to another question, a slightly more reasonable one about any possible health risks related to RFID. No joke, in the middle of answering this question another student had asked, Admiral Cunt-face interrupts with "just answer his question already." I had just begun answering it, honestly, maybe 15 seconds in. At this point I know I am a little agitated, and the rest of my group appears to be so also, so I attempt to wrap it up, but again the guy starts talking "The wristbands aren't helpful, what If I don't have arms? Then what?" (Keep in mind, his group had a 3D hand scanner) I let him know that the RFID tags are versatile and can be placed wherever is most convenient.
You'd think he'd be done.
"How are they supposed to use the touch screens without hands?"
At this point the instructor FINALLY says something, after literally sitting there the entire time letting this continue, he cuts off the guy and says we are out of time.
What a fucking douchebag.
Now, I know that sometimes I have a tendency to overreact. I also know that the way I tell this story can't properly convey the attitude in his voice.
To solve this, I've lifted the guys Facebook profile pic (PS, he should turn his security settings all the way up if he's going to be a jerk to everyone), after seeing it I'm sure you will judge for yourself.
First listed under interest: UFC. No, I'm not joking.
Yes. He set up a photo shoot for him and his bike.
No, he is not a professional motorcyclist which would be the only excuse for this behaviour.
Yes, it appears to be shot in some sort of sketchy warehouse with poorly set up lighting.
Yes, he probably had sex with the photographer after to "get into the business".
No, not a real photographer, probably just a homeless guy that shits in the back corner of the warehouse.
Rappers are hard as fuck.
From what I know about fuck it's somewhere between the consistency of titanium and adamantium.
So yeah...pretty hard.
He's all blinged out...on the inside.
How do I know this, you ask?
Am I friends with Rappers?
Do I hang with their posses?
Have I been to their cribs?
No.
However, I do like cheese. I hear they are mostly about "the cheddar."
Where is this going, you ask?
Well, firstly, stop asking all these fucking questions.
This is going to go wherever the hell I want it to go.
Second, I'll you where it is going:
Rappers are mostly full of shit. Or, at the very least, confusing as hell.
Example 1
Try to ignore the vest, those are given out to all visitors of my blog as a precaution.
I wish we didn't have to, but you know...
Haters gonna hate.
Right. Incase you didn't know, this is Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson.
Also, the cool kids pronounce it "Fitty cent."
Or so they tell me whilst dunking my head in the nearest toilet.
According to the most reliable source I could find Fitty started selling crack when he was 12.
Which is nearly as impressive as me passing Final Fantasy VII when I was 12, but not quite.
Apparently he was selling during a "crack epidemic" which was probably beneficial for business. Really though, can it be considered an epidemic at all? I mean, literally all you need to do to completely end it is stop doing the thing causing it. Completely in your control. Every bit.
"Oh my god! This ebola epidemic is terrible, if only we could stop injecting ebola into ourselves on puprose! WHY?!?! MAKE IT STOP?!?!"
See what I mean? Ebola is an epidemic. Crack can't "run rampant". Crack is an inanimate object. If anything, this was a stupid epidemic. There was stupid people everywhere, and they just kept producing more stupid people. Then all of these people did some crack.
Anyways.
Back to Fitty.
Not only was he selling crack, but got busted for selling coke (Not new coke, classic. The hard stuff) to an undercover cop and spent some time in the big house.
Also, his mother (read: also coke dealer) got murdered when he was twelve. So overall a pretty normal childhood.
Oh. Then he got shot 9 times.
NINE.
That's almost ten.
I spent a week in the hospital once when I got my tonsils out, and they planned that shit out.
At this point I am sure you're all thinking wow, I bet this guy has turned out to be a perfectly adjusted member of society and has settled down with a nice girl.
Or this, reportedly.
At this point, I think it's proven that yes, "Fitty" is one tough mo'fo.
But....rappers are confusing.
In 2007 Fitty filed a lawsuit against some internet ad agency for a cartoon ad, a little point and click game thing that asked you to "shoot the rapper"
They didn't use Fitty's name, a variation of the name, or any name.
But apparently the image "intended to resemble him." Or some legal shit like that.
Why did Fitty sue?
He claims the image threatens his safety.
Yeah.
I don't even know how that makes sense, but I guess that these are the thoughts that go through your head when putting pictures like this on The Twitter seems like a good idea.
"Oh I shouldn't...this will go right to my thighs."
Yeah, he clearly needs the $1 million he's suing for.
Also, how does it threaten his safety?
Does he think that this obscure ad about a cartoon rapper that may or may not resemble him will encourage people to shoot at him in real life?
Maybe he forgot that before the ad existed HE GOT SHOT NINE GOD DAMN TIMES.
Now we are going to play a fun little game called "What the hell is your song about? I thought you were some sort of hardcore gangster rapper?"
...
Yeah, we're are going to work on shortening that title, we really need something that will roll of the tongue a bit better.
The Song: "Ayo Technology"
The Lyrics: You got me saying ayo I'm tired of using technology
Why don't you sit down on top of me?
Ayo
I'm tired of using technology
I need you right in front of me
It's only the chorus, let's be honest here, no one wants to read the lyrics to an entire 50 cent song.
Now, despite the fact that I don't know what "Ayo" means entirely, I'm pretty sure this chorus is about wanking it to internet porn.
He's sick of masturbating and wishes that he had a real lady to "sit down on top of him."
You know who else is in that exact predicament?
This kid:
Yes. Despite his total pwnage over those stupid developer n00bs that kid clearly has not hit it yet (The 'it' in question being lady parts).
And apparently Curtis "I-sold-crack-when-I-was-twelve-and-then-got-shot-nine-times" Jackson is in the exact same situation.
Actually, the kid has a leg up; Fitty probably can't power level a Gnomish Warlock.
Probably.
Alright. That was confusing right?
Not even close.
You remember Nelly right?
It's like he's staring right into my soul.
Daps and hugs mean mugs and shoulder shrugs.
NELLY IS FUCKING INSANE.
That's a lyric from his first single "Country Grammar".
I'm sure you remember it from junior high, much the same as I do. (In this scenario everyone else on the internet is the exact same age as me. Also, they never got held back a grade.)
I'm also sure that much like me you pretended to love it because it's what the cool kids were listening to, but secretly you had no idea what he was talking about.
"Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to me now. Right guys? Right? Me too, right?"
Man. It's tough to be one of the cool kids. So much translating. Side Note: How come it's cool to translate crazy rapper talk, but not cool to translate Klingon? WTF people. Priorities. At no point ever are you going to need to be able to speak drugged-out rapper to negotiate for intergalactic peace.
Back to Nelly. He got pretty popular, and thanks to his other single "Hot in Hurr" it's now completely acceptable to replace pretty much whatever letters you want with 'ur's instead. Example sentences: Hey, what's that over thur? My girlfriend dumped me. She just doesn't cur.
Nelly wears a band-aid on his face.
"I'll step to you if you fuck with me. Oh this? I got scratched by a kitty cat."
Apparently he wears it because his brother is in jail, and the band-aid represents solidarity. How exactly? No fucking clue. I think we've already established that rappers have crazy ass-backwards logic:
"Haters gonna Hate, right Taylor?"
"*uncontrollable sobbing*"
Now, someone who is keeping solidarity with his prison-pals (like pen-pals! but more shivving!) must be pretty B.A. right? I bet he raps about like, ho's and his dick and stuff. Wait- Ho's and his dick! Yeah, that's probably it. Lyrics to "Just a Dream", Nelly's newest single: I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.
I was at the top and I was like I’m at the basement.
Number one spot and now she found her a replacement.
I swear now I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby.
And now you ain't around, baby I can't think.
Shoulda put it down. Shoulda got that ring.
Cuz I can still feel it in the air.
See her pretty face run my fingers through her hair.
That's enough of that. Pretty B.A. right? I bet his brother in prison brags about these lyrical bombs his bro is dropping, you know, to earn mad cred.
To finish up this little "Get to know your rapper" piece... Donald Glover.
Cardigan...BITCH.
Hmm...something seems different about Donald. His picture is slightly different from Nelly and Fitty. Maybe we'll try another one.
There is no way a caption can improve this photo.
Well...that had the opposite effect. Donald Glover is not a gangster. He didn't sell crack (that anyone knows of). He hasn't been shot. He certainly hasn't been shot nine fucking times.
If you're as awesome as I am you probably recognize Donald Glover from either NBC's Community or his own Derrick Comedy. Community is easily one of the best show's on TV, and Derrick Comedy's "Mystery Team" was easily one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time.
Donald started writing fro 30 Rock right out of NYU. In fact, his first year on staff he was still living on NYU campus as an RA because the rent was free. He did have to wear an RA pager to work however.
He's also been doing stand-up comedy and skits with Derrick Comedy.
Seems pretty standard right? Comedian/Actor/Writer.
He's also one hell of a rapper. I would say he's lyrically way better that Fifty of Nelly. How basically either are acting tough to get rich, or acting like a huge pussy to get rich.
Donald seems to just make his music the way he wants, not really worrying about his image.
Or maybe that's all he worries about, how the fuck should I know? I'm not a mind-reader.
Yet.
Obviously that is something a fan threw together to post one of his songs on YouTube, he doesn't have any videos for his work yet.
Quality music though. Not to mention lyrics, here's a little sampling of some of my favourites:
You wouldn't think from the things I'm fashionin' I'd get more bush than Kim Kardashian Drop hot shit. Yeah, my mouth's a laxative Born to be the greatest, this is not by accident
I be on that other shit, I'm harder than a consonant And that's because I'm flyer than the mother ship, you ostrich I'm awesome rich. Call a bitch. Fresher than my lozenges The problem is you in the Danger Zone like Kenny Loggins is
I ain't got to do it big, I just gotta do it different And these hoes are on my dick, and if you got it, it ain't trickin' I be steady gettin' paper, call a nigga Dunder Mifflin
Ok. I know that just because I love him, doesn't mean you have to. But you'd be more awesome if you did. I'm just saying you don't see a lot of rappers throwing out references to The Office.
Also, the guy rapping about this stuff is the same guy doing this. Don't see a lot of rappers doing this kind of thing either.
I guess, basically, this post is just trying to show that this is 2010 people, we don't have to be a "gangster" to be a rapper. Or only be hilarious all the time to do comedy. We've come along way as a society. We aren't as apt to stereotype someone simply based on their appearance, or the material they are involved with. Oh, unless they are country music stars. Those guys are all rednecks. Seriously, here are the last 6 guys to win the Country Music Awards Male vocalist of the year.
This goes back to 1996 by the way. Lot of repeat "winners."
In ten years of entertaining they have all looked almost identical. Keith Urban doesn't rock the cowboy hat, but loses the small amount of credit he gained because he married Nicole Kidman.
*Editors note: This post is meant only to be read while watching the movie "Running Scared" starring Hollywood treasure Paul Walker. If you have not at the very least seen the movie recently, this will be confusing. Also, the only reason I attempted to watch this cinematic jewel is because my friend @CaptainSheBro insisted that it was "Paul Walker's best movie." This may be true. It still sucked bad.
This kid is apparently hurt, but the small amount of blood on his shirt isn't changing. That suggests he's no longer bleeding, so what's the rush?
Oh snap, he's got asthma. That's why.
I definitely recognize the voice of Chaz Palminterri, meaning that Paul Walker is now the second worst actor in this movie.
Ok. Someone just flew 6 feet through the air after being shot with a shotgun, highly un-realistic, but still super awesome.
Paul Walker is now going down on a woman (possibly Vera Farminga), he seems to be enjoying it; this is more acting than I generally see him do.
These children have stacked up paint cans to mark the goal line for Hockey. I understand, you don't have a net, you make due. What I don't understand however, is why do you have 8 cans of paint in your basement? Unless you are a painter this is just weird.
I'm pretty sure Paul Walker just pronounced "perfect" as "poifect". Is that what they sound like in New Jersey?
If I am following this correctly, the foreign neighbour dad is upset that his son is a hockey fan, but not a fan of John "My name is actually Marion" Wayne.
HOLY FUCK PAUL WALKER CAN SEE THROUGH TIME.
Why is Mrs. Criminal-with-bad-fake-accent totally ok with her husband leading a life of crime?
Oh Shit! Paul Walker just bumped into Chaz, and Chaz knows who Paul is but Paul doesn't know who Chaz is so Paul was all like "Oh sorry". What a fucking putz.
Seriously? Your "hangout" is an old abandoned rec-center in the park? What the fuck is up with these kids.
Ahhh, the infamous "whispering hobo."
This kid has excellent listening skills: "Alright kid, you stay out here, I'm going inside this sketchy bathroom at this abandoned amusement park in the middle of the night to investigate those gun shots we just hear."
2 seconds later the kid rolls through the door
"Hey! Wassup Paul Walker? You getting shot at in here? No? Coolio to the max."
Yes! This pimp is keeping his business in order! That shit's an investment.
*At this point I have stopped watching this movie. This was about a month ago, I have no plans to resume. I figured I might as well post what I have. If you haven't seen this film, consider yourself lucky.
I'm sitting in my Management Information Systems class Thursday morning, getting all pumped up about the prospect of learning (you know how I do...), when something down right hilarious happened. Well, I think it's hilarious, and I am the cruel and unrelenting dictator of this blog.
The instructor asks a group students something along the lines of "Oh I thought he wanted to do it this morning." (Keep your that's what he saids to yourselves, I'm pretty certain I missed the beginning of their conversation.) These students replied with a "Totally, yeah, but he slept in, he's on his way."
I didn't think a lot of it at the time, we often get people making announcements for their clubs, or sporting events, or whatever. We are about one step above community college, the instructors don't give a fuck. I could ask if it would be ok for me to give an announcement about a Starcraft LAN party I'm trying to throw and they'd be all like "DON'T TALK TO ME. I don't get paid enough for this....whatever."
So yeah, this guy eventually rolls in late. Messy hair, T-shirt, douchey looking motorcycle jacket. Which I realize is for safety, but it's not my fault it looks douchey. Once the instructor starts chatting with him I realize that this is the guy, and he goes up to make his presentation. I'm not really paying attention, but as soon as he starts in I know this is something I have to listen to...(this is fairly close to exactly what he said, I can't remember it word for word, but I promise I'm not trying to make it sound more hilarious.)
"Yeah, so, uhh, Student Elections are coming up, and you guys need to like, vote. Only like ten percent of the student population votes."
Ok, that makes sense, good for you. Voting is good...I don't do it, but I hear good things.
"So, for like, the Student Council, pretty much whoever gets nominated gets put on there, so just vote yes for everyone. It doesn't really matter. I'm running for *something something Business something* and there can only be one of those."
Ok, What? You are actually running for something? In competition with someone else? I'm in Business, this could effect me. You don't seem on the ball, I should definitely listen so I know what your plans are.
"The other guy that is running, you've probably seen him around, he's giving out brochures. He's got a moustache, so don't vote for him."
First, brochures are smart. Where the hell are your brochures? I know nothing about anything you plan to do. Second, I will vote for any man with a moustache, big mistake telling me that.
Crap.
"Uhh, that's pretty much everything. Cool. Thanks bros."
How the fuck is that it? What are your plans once elected? What does the position entail. What is the other guy doing that makes you more qualified? Really, say anything related to the position at this point.
He really is finished and sits down, which prompts another person in class to say exactly what I was thinking:
"Guy, you didn't even tell us what your name was, how are we supposed to vote for you?"
"Oh, cmon I'm *Name-not-worth-remembering*, I'm the loud mouth in all of your classes. Everyone knows me."
This guy is in none of my other classes. I've also never noticed him stand out in this one before. I could tell by the looks on peoples faces I wasn't the only one thinking this. He has given us absolutely no aspect of a qualification for the position, but ensure us that he is a loudmouth. I believe this guy just committed political suicide.
My buddy Matt is awesome.
He is the type of guy that can talk you into doing something you hate, and have you thanking him by the end of it.
He's also so creative it makes me want to cry go work out, because I'm super envious that I have to rely on fart jokes all the times.
This being said, I'm going to shamelessly plug him, he's started writing some stuff and putting it on a Blog.
It's super good stuff, on my blog I just usually complain about people or make fun of my face, but he actually writes stuff. Good stuff, with like artistic merit and whatnot.
Pfft.
He can keep his "merit". I still have Nino.
Surprisingly he holds the world record for most Flapjacks eaten in 30 minutes.
Anyways, you can find the link to his awesome work right here, and also in the area on the right of "People that are cooler than me."
Go read it, or I'll put up topless photos of myself.
I SWEAR TO GOD I"LL DO IT.
As you can see from the picture below, I've been hacked;
JK's! This actually happened!
Horrifying.
It's been decided that I need to pump up the security here at the blog. I'm a high priority target people.
You'll notice in the new banner up above that I've hired a crack security team.
...
We are still working out the details of services. I don't think they are working out...
Anyways.
I've taken it upon myself to find the identity of this hacker, because I"M NOT OK WITH DICKS.
Only I get to decide who puts dicks in my mouth-I mean - only I put dicks - agh, I mean - I get to choose the dicks- Gah!
...
...
I don't like dicks.
Moving on.
From my fairly expertise understanding of the internet (most of which was learned from the excellent 1995 movie Hackers) to "hack" someone you'd have to be very small.
You know, because the fence the internet puts up around my blog only has very small openings.
Judging by the size of the openings the intruder must have been about the size of a small dog...or a really big cat.
However...they wouldn't have the opposable thumbs necessary to type on a keyboard...
Oh god.
There's only one person it could have been:
Nino! Worlds smalles/coolest man!
Blast you Nino!
This round goes to you...but I'm already planning my counter-attack!
You think you're so cool...but we'll see how cool you are when I put those fancy sunglasses on top of your fridge.
THEN WHAT YOU SMUG BASTARD???
School has started once again.
For me anyways, I doubt you people are educated. If you were I'm sure you wouldn't be reading a blog with so many fart jokes. Although to be fair, fart jokes are hilarious.
Moving on to my point:
We need to do more rigorous testing before letting people into Post-Secondary Institutions.
I know what you're thinking...
"Jeez Ryan, I'm surprised to hear that coming from you. You know...because you are lazy."
Oh imaginary-reader-who-sounds-just-like-me....you know me so well!
Yes. This is quite correct, I'm hella lazy. Or, as I like to think of it, hella efficient.
The more rigorous testing I discussed earlier is not in regards to "grades" or "extra-curriculars" or "other bullshit like that". No, I propose that we start screening potential students on more important aspects;
Like whether or not they are a complete jackass.
We need to stop the Douche-baggery people! It is running rampant all over this place, and I can't take it anymore!
Yeah, I'm sure all the people in here had good enough grades to skim by into their faculty of choice, but does that mean that they are "smart" enough to deserve to be here?
My Faculty of choice
Since these people are obviously incapable of helping themselves, I have taken it upon myself to help them with a handy list that they can refer to on days when they have school...or are leaving the house at all really.
Preparing for Your Day
It's early, I understand, I don't like it either. In fact I hate it. I HATE IT SO MUCH!
Regardless of this, there are still some common courtesies that you must take into account for the benefit of your fellow students/humans/small-household-mammals.
I'm going to try and explain this in chronological order, so that when you print this off in the pocket-size travel version it is easy to follow along.
First things first, Shower. You are a disgusting human being. You sweat/poop/pee/ejaculate/eat-too-much-garlic on a fairly regular basis. Which is why you need to regularly clean yourself. Yes, it is ok to wake up super hungover and stumble over to the local McDonald's for a McGangBang. No, it is not ok to go to a crowded place for an extended period of time to sit elbow to elbow with people while you SMELL LIKE THE INSIDE OF AN OUTHOUSE. You're a grown-up, or, at the very least, almost a grown-up. Don't be gross. Also, use deodorant. Everyday. Quit fucking around.
Next.
School is not your house. School, as implied by the name, is fucking school. So that means I don't want to see you wearing any PJ's. These are for sleeping. Here's a simple test to decide if your outfit is appropriate: Look down. Are you wearing PJ's? Yes? Are you in your house? No? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Have some self-respect and don't dress like a homeless person when you go to the place that you are supposedly preparing to be some sort of "professional." This is not the only dress-code ruling; Also falling into this category; Sweatpants. Sweatpants are a major offender. Let me just throw this out there for you faithful-ish Blog-ites: If you aren't allowed to wear it to a Strip Club, don't fucking wear it to University.
The major problem with this dress code violation is one store, Lu-Lu Fucking Lemon. Ladies, I don't care how much you paid for your "Yoga" pants, or "Workout" pants, or "Tadasana" pants (that's right off their website, and I don't know what the hell it means. Do you?), I STILL DON"T WANT TO SEE YOUR DAMNED UTERUS WHILE I'M TRYING TO LEARN/NOT FALL ASLEEP.
"Like, OMG Ryan, totally calm down, these are like designer pants, and they totally make my ass look good, also, some guys at Diesel Ultra Lounge (The official hangout of Date-rapists!) told me that it's totally a turn out to be able to see my vagina lips through my pants. Camel-toes are the new cleavage. It's totally business-casual."
NO. Sweet Baby Jesus, NO. Look, "Designer clothing is clothing that bears the logo of a recognizable fashion designer." Thanks Wikipedia! You know what that means? FUCK ALL. Let me tell you a little secret about Fashion Designers: they are people. Guess what? People are money hungry whores, everybody, even me, hell - especially me. A fashion designer will sell their name to any damned department store that is willing to pay them enough to throw their name on some shit and sell it. Keeping that in mind, LuLu Lemon doesn't even fall into that category!! It's the fucking company. That would be like me wearing only a Fruit of the Loom onesie and justifying it by saying it was "Designer."
I got a surprising amount of Porn when I google image searched "Adult Onesie"
I'm actually giving people a surprising amount a leeway on what to wear. All I'm saying is PJ's and Sweatpants aren't ok. There is a guy in my Stats class that has so far worn either a "Tap Out" or "Affliction" sweater to every class. Now, I may think that these sweaters are stupid, but he probably thinks my Justice League T-shirt is stupid also. However, as much as I disagree with his fashion sense, at least I can't see his wiener through his pants because he is proper enough to wear real pants out in public.
Travelling To and From School
A lot of students use public transportation to get to and from school. Probably due to the fact that we are literally FORCED to pay for it whether we will be using it or not. But regardless of how ecstatic you are to be on public transport (It smells like a hobo's insides! yay!) try to keep your glee contained and use a little common sense.
When entering the bus/train please let the people at the inside of the door get off first. Do not be like the girl on my bus the other day who literally stepped on right when the doors opened and started pushing her way through the line of upwards of 15 people attempting to exit. Seriously, just stand politely to the right or the left of the doors and hop on when they are done exiting. Not that hard to figure out.
When sitting on the aisle seat please pay attention to the person you have trapped next to you in the window seat, they will need to get out eventually, and when you see them start to stand up you need to do the same and get out of the way. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES remain seated and force them to awkwardly slide between you and the seat in front of you. What kind of sick fuck are you? That SHOULDN'T be enjoyable for either one of you, and if you're forcing people into that situation then I assume you're also the kind of person that tortured small animals as a child.
Walking is hard for you- I realize, maybe spit out your gum and try it again. But let me emphasize something that far too many people tend to ignore; walking has the same damn rules no matter where you are. PEDESTRIAN TRAFFIC SHOULD WORK THE SAME AS REGULAR TRAFFIC. I assume the people that don't understand this also don't understand how regular traffic is supposed to work. What it means is that, here in Canada, when you walk/drive you stay on your right. Walkers this applies in every situation Sidewalks, Hallways, Crosswalks, MALLS. Fucking Malls. I hate malls. Anyways, stay on the right, pass on the left. Don't walk down the middle of the damned sidewalk with two friends on either side of you. YOU ARE MONOPOLIZING THAT SIDEWALK AND THAT IS NOT OK.
At School
You're in the big leagues now! You've actually made it in, hopefully you have real pants on and don't smell like a skunk's anus. First and foremost, you don't own the place- so treat it with some respect, garbage in the garbage, recyclables...in the garbage, the point is just don't leave your trash laying out all over the damn place.
Remember our talk earlier about walking? Well it all applies here again with a small addition: Hallways are effin busy at certain times of the day, so stick to the rules as mentioned but also allow people to turn left. Let me make you a quick diagram.
Wow. This is why I write. What a piece of shit.
Ok. The green arrows represent the nice orderly flow of traffic, but when the red dot needs to get into the blue-dot classroom they have to stop. This is the problem everyone has trouble with, when you are in the up arrow and see that person waiting for an opening just FUCKING LET THEM IN. Otherwise they hold up all the people behind them and then the hallway turns into one big cluster-fuck.
While we are discussing simple manners that improve the lives of everyone around us why don't we add not eating food from packaging that make more noise than a shuttle launch. Let's think about this:
Turkey sandwich - Appropriate
Apple (Or most kinds of fruit) -Appropriate
Rice Cakes in foil-esque bag - I hope you get hit by a bus.
"We're super loud and taste like air! Yaaaay!"
I personally like to be on time. In fact I am usually early because I hate being late so much. That being said, we're all only human...for now. So it is understandable that you may from time to time be running late for things. Ok. We will have to deal with the interruption of you loudly stumbling in mid-class and fumbling around with the obscene amount of things you needed to bring while struggling to find the one empty seat remaining. I won't pull your card for this.
Just a quick question though....WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT EVERYDAY?! Seriously, EVERYDAY? Set your alarm earlier, walk faster, take an earlier bus. Do something, you have no excuse for being late everyday. All you are saying is "I don't give a fuck about this class, and I sure as hell don't give a fuck about inconveniencing you people." Well that's just plain rude.
Now somebody just put me in charge of a school and I will start taking care of this shit.
I know that this was mostly just me complaining, but I think most people who were taught to be polite to others would agree with me on most of this stuff. If not, I don't care.
I can do whatever I like around here.
T.I. told me so.
Yeah, I really should be sleeping, but since I'm up...I might as well share with all you fine people (2 still counts as people...) the things I'm doing instead of sleeping.
Things like getting a Twitter account!(@BallsOutTweets)
Things like realizing I don't really know how to use Twitter!
Things like reviewing Smart Phones online!
Things like trying to follow people on Twitter that I think will make me seem coolest!
Things like realizing I've probably spent to much of my night on Twitter related activities!
Things like snacking!
Things like reading about why Zombies are even bigger suckers then I originally assumed they were!
Things like hearing my F-bomb sleep-whine from the other room and trying to guess what the hell she's dreaming about! (It's almost like a whimper...but more annoying.)
Things like watching awesome videos!
Tonight, at work, which is a movie theatre, this little showdown occurred between a guest* and myself;
Blonde Lady: "Hey handsome**, I was wondering which new movies came out this weekend?"
Me: "Well, our new movies open on Friday, so yesterday what came out was The Last Exorcism, and Takers. Also the special edition of Avatar, but that isn't technically new. I mean, 9 minutes of it are, but the rest isn't. Regardless, you probably saw it already, it was pretty much the biggest movie ever. No big deal. You should go see it again though for the extra 9 minutes. Did you see it in 3D?"
Blonde Lady: "Umm. Right. So which one of those two new movies is good?"
Me: : "I actually haven't seen either one, but that doesn't really matter. I can still tell you that they will both be horrible. I mean, The Last Exorcism, is a supposedly scary movie about an exorcism, and they try to get it all hyped up by throwing Eli Roth's name on there as a producer. But when it comes down to it they made it a 14A rating, how scary can a movie be if it didn't even get an 18A, you know? They just do that for money too, because a 14A film brings in the teenagers and that's where so much of the money is. Yeah, and Takers? Don't even get me started on that piece of junk! I mean, it's basically the movie Heat, except without any of the good things from Heat. They replace Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, and Robert DeNiro with Paul Walker, T.I., and Hayden 'Mannequin Skywalker' Christensen. It also has Chris Brown, and I think that alone is reason enough to never go see it. Plus the poster is terrible, that is the worst photoshop job I've seen in a long time."
Blonde Lady: "Uhh....so what is that second one about then?"
Me: "Bank Robbers."
Blonde Lady: "Oh, ok, I'll go to that one."
Don't you dare go see either of these films.
We won't be friends anymore.
For serious,
I'll kick you right off this blog.
...
I probably won't.
But still, save yourself the heartache and go see something good instead.
Also, here is that poster for Takers.
They look like Bobble Heads.
Bobble Heads would be able to portray more realistic emotions on film though. *This is what employees of my particular movie theatre are required to refer to customers as. It's silly. Nobody would be offended if we referred to them as a customer. **To the best of my recollection this is exactly what she said.
Hey.
Yeah. I missed you guys too.
Oh...you didn't miss me at all?
That's sort of a rude thing to say....
Whatever. I don't curr.....
Alright....I'm sorry! JEEZ!
Cut me some slack...I'm really lazy....
I know these summer months have been some what lacking in terms of posting, and I'm sorry for that.
The get this show back on the road though, I've spruced up the place a bit and put a new banner up. I'm pretty much a baller now with all that bling-blang going on up there.
My classes start on the 8th, so I'm sure I will have plenty of time in between classes to waste your time with things. In fact, on Tuesdays I have 6 and a half fricking hours between classes!!!
It may be the best schedule EVER.
In the mean time, here's a couple of things you should know about.
Movie Snob-ism
The Expendables made a butt-load of money since it came out.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World did not.
I've seen both of these movies, and guess what? The Expendables sucked hard. Super Hard.
I was going into it thinking "Hey, this movie is going to have a terrible story, and terrible dialogue, but some top notch old school action." You know what? I love old school action. I miss the old days where people would use squibs and build awesome dummies to then chop in half. This is what I was so excited for!!
But then they didn't flipping do any of that.
CG blood spatter and CG knifings.
Are you effing kidding me? It wasn't even good CG, it was really cheap and bad.
Along with this is the fact that a majority of the fight scenes were filmed/edited into short, choppy shots, so much so that you can't tell if someone is fighting another person or maybe just doing some really intense Tae Bo.
My interpretation of this is that they made the movie with the expectation that it would be released as PG-13 (because that's where the money is kids!), but then decided at the end to "make it R" by simply adding some crappy blood and even lamer stabbing.
For shame guys, for shame.
Now, on the other hand, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World was soooo good.
I loved it.
My f-bomb loved it (even though she said it looked dumb and I forced her to go)
All my friends (Matt and Liz...that's all I have...) loved it!
My boss loved it!!!
Go see it.
Go spend copious amounts of money on it.
It is honestly a one of a kind film, with some very original ideas, not the story, obviously, it's based on a graphic novel. But the graphic novel was original!
It's a very funny, very entertaining film, and yet, it is losing out bad.
Last but not least; Piranha 3D.
Terrible in all the right ways. Just plain hilarious, go here and see most of the actors from the film completely mocking it. Good times.
Pure Awesome
Grant MacEwan University beer gardens!
To start the year off pretty much every post secondary institution does something, and this year two of my favourite local bands are playing at my school. If you are in Edmonton on the 9th and 10th come see Christian Hansen and the Autistics, and The Dudes!
Here's a little taste of the awesomeness.
PS
You'll notice that I didn't curse at all this entire blog post.
This is because i've been getting some complaints from some of the readers (you know who you are) that I use too much vulgar language.
So, just for you, I cut back.
You're fucking welcome.
Guess what?
Avatar is coming back out with 9 more minutes of footage.
I'm a huge nerd so I'm going to go see it in Imax 3d.
I wanted to post this neat little video of James Cameron talking with a guy about the Cameron/Pace film system, which is the 3D camera system that he FRIGGIN INVENTED, but I can't get that video to work.
So you get this instead.
It's also a giant waste of your time.
It's going to be beaches, bikinis, partying hard, sunshine, and cocktails!
...
Why do you need to know where?
....
Somewhere fun, can't you just be happy with that?
...
Fine. My Grandma's.
But she's awesome, so fuck you.
I'll be gone for the next week, and there is no internet access at the cottage (Gasp! How will I survive without checking my Facebook every 14 seconds! Answer? By drinking!) so I thought I would leave my loyal followers with a post before I go-go.
...
Yeah.
That was pretty lame. Deal with it.
*Ahem*
A lot of Bloggers might obscure their true identity, or, try to project some sort of "Blogging Alter-Ego" (this is probably not true, seeing as I just made it up) Not me though.
I find that really the only thing this blog has going for it is that people like to laugh about my shortcomings and feel better about themselves. I am very ok with this.
I'm also ok with talking about myself. A lot.
Really, this is my Blog.
If I want to devote an entire post to me, I'm going to do it and you can't stop me.
As such I have prepared a little post I like to call:
The Changing Face of Ryan Phillips.
Or
Ryans in Time!!!
This little number is from High School. I think I'm about 18 years old. I've just been hit in the groin, which I am now icing with frozen...something. Fries maybe. You'll also notice I weigh about 7.5 lbs.
To really juxtapose that last picture I've gone with a little number I like to call "Where the fuck is my Neck?" You'll notice a Chandler-esque transformation into some sort of Sloth-like beast. Also, this photo was taken on the day I proposed. I can't believe she said yes to that neck. Moving on...
Here I am in an elevator being presented by a blonde girl who probably is not important (snap!). As I recall the conversation went like this:
Camera-person:Say Blonde girl, do you have any faces for sale?
Blonde Girl: Why yes, I have this face right here *Hand Motion*
Ryan: I"M IN AN ELEVATOR.
You'll notice by the sudden reappearance of my neck that we have ventured backwards in time towards my younger days.
Hmm...that's odd. I don't have a stupid look on my face....I thought that was a prerequisite for photo's of me. This must be some sort of Photo-shop deal.
Ahhh, yes. This seems more reasonable. Also, as the F-bomb can verify, I hate pants. I really do my best to avoid wearing them as much as possible. FYI, not wearing pants as I type this.
At this point you are probably saying to yourself, "Wow Ryan, you are correct. You do not photograph well." You would be right.
At this point some of the more savvy readers might be saying to themselves "Well geez Ryan, it seems to me like you are drinking in all of those photos. In fact, in a majority of them we can actually see drinks or the bar in the background." Good for you savvy reader! Very observant, even though we feel like we are getting better looking as we drink, we definitely are not.
...
I hear what you are saying, alcohol is our friend.
...
Proof that alcohol is to blame? Well..not really.
...
Un-biased research? Ok...I'll give it a try.
Oh. Well. I guess I don't look terrible here, and I've been drinking. Also, I'm in a bar. Hmm...maybe my theory was wrong...
Well...this looks fine too. Weird. Oh wait....hold on a second.
Yesterday (or maybe the day before. I don't really fact check this stuff) I wrote a bit about production companies and the hollywood "machine" being pretty much idiots.
Today I read that Kevin Feige, who is the Marvel guy in charge of all their movie stuff, announced that both Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger will be CONVERTED TO 3D!
What.
The.
Fuck.
Ok. Here is the thing. Converting movies to 3d is a horrible, horrible idea.
Case in point: Clash of the Titans (If you want to know how bad, refer to me)
Clash of the Titans was converted to 3D in such horrible, money grubbing fashion that it literally made the movie worse. As do most conversions. It was blurry and the 3D made people sick at points because the focus was so bad.
If you don't know what i'm talking about when I say "converted" I will explain.
A movie like Avatar, a little film you might have heard of, is FILMED in 3D. Meaning James Cameron has these stupid gigantic 3D cameras that he lugs around and actually shoots with, or some producer sends the film to an effects company AFTER THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS ALREADY MADE, and they do some shit with their computers.
Go read this article on Slate for a far better description of both the filming and converting process, they are much smarter than I.
All I'm saying is that so far in 2010 some of the larger films that converted to 3D have been Alice in Wonderland, Clash of the Suck, and The Last Airbender. All of these movies were roasted for their shitty use of 3D. So why in the hell is Marvel converted 2 of the biggest movies it's ever made?
Whoever wants to go see these movies is already going to go see them, no one is going to say "Oh, Thor was going to suck...but now that it's 3D I'll spend the money!" This can literally only make these movies worse, and in turn piss off the nerds.
And trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT MILLIONS OF ANGRY NERDS ON YOUR HANDS.
They will sneak into your bedroom while you are asleep and assault you with a never ending battery of asthma inhalers and orthopaedic shoes.
Alright, the last two posts have been very negative in regards to movies, so I will end this with some good news about movies.
It's Kind of a Funny Story is a new film by husband and wife film-making team Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck.The trailer is below, and I think it looks really good. They made Half Nelson with Ryan Gosling, and I've seen it and it is really good. So check it out, and go spend money on this when it comes out.
