Don't judge a book by its gang tats.

Rappers are hard as fuck.
From what I know about fuck it's somewhere between the consistency of titanium and adamantium.
So yeah...pretty hard.

He's all blinged out...on the inside.

How do I know this, you ask?
Am I friends with Rappers?
Do I hang with their posses?
Have I been to their cribs?
No.
However, I do like cheese. I hear they are mostly about "the cheddar."

Where is this going, you ask?
Well, firstly, stop asking all these fucking questions.
This is going to go wherever the hell I want it to go.
Second, I'll you where it is going:
Rappers are mostly full of shit. Or, at the very least, confusing as hell.

Example 1

Try to ignore the vest, those are given out to all visitors of my blog as a precaution.
I wish we didn't have to, but you know...
Haters gonna hate.

Right. Incase you didn't know, this is Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson.
Also, the cool kids pronounce it "Fitty cent."
Or so they tell me whilst dunking my head in the nearest toilet.

According to the most reliable source I could find Fitty started selling crack when he was 12.
Which is nearly as impressive as me passing Final Fantasy VII when I was 12, but not quite.
Apparently he was selling during a "crack epidemic" which was probably beneficial for business. Really though, can it be considered an epidemic at all? I mean, literally all you need to do to completely end it is stop doing the thing causing it. Completely in your control. Every bit.
"Oh my god! This ebola epidemic is terrible, if only we could stop injecting ebola into ourselves on puprose! WHY?!?! MAKE IT STOP?!?!"
See what I mean? Ebola is an epidemic. Crack can't "run rampant". Crack is an inanimate object. If anything, this was a stupid epidemic. There was stupid people everywhere, and they just kept producing more stupid people. Then all of these people did some crack.
Anyways.
Back to Fitty.
Not only was he selling crack, but got busted for selling coke (Not new coke, classic. The hard stuff) to an undercover cop and spent some time in the big house.
Also, his mother (read: also coke dealer) got murdered when he was twelve. So overall a pretty normal childhood.

Oh. Then he got shot 9 times.
NINE.
That's almost ten.
I spent a week in the hospital once when I got my tonsils out, and they planned that shit out.

At this point I am sure you're all thinking wow, I bet this guy has turned out to be a perfectly adjusted member of society and has settled down with a nice girl.

Or this, reportedly.

At this point, I think it's proven that yes, "Fitty" is one tough mo'fo.
But....rappers are confusing.
In 2007 Fitty filed a lawsuit against some internet ad agency for a cartoon ad, a little point and click game thing that asked you to "shoot the rapper"
They didn't use Fitty's name, a variation of the name, or any name.
But apparently the image "intended to resemble him." Or some legal shit like that.
Why did Fitty sue?
He claims the image threatens his safety.
Yeah.
I don't even know how that makes sense, but I guess that these are the thoughts that go through your head when putting pictures like this on The Twitter seems like a good idea.

"Oh I shouldn't...this will go right to my thighs."

Yeah, he clearly needs the $1 million he's suing for.
Also, how does it threaten his safety?
Does he think that this obscure ad about a cartoon rapper that may or may not resemble him will encourage people to shoot at him in real life?
Maybe he forgot that before the ad existed HE GOT SHOT NINE GOD DAMN TIMES.

Now we are going to play a fun little game called "What the hell is your song about? I thought you were some sort of hardcore gangster rapper?"
...
Yeah, we're are going to work on shortening that title, we really need something that will roll of the tongue a bit better.

The Song: "Ayo Technology"

The Lyrics:
You got me saying ayo
I'm tired of using technology
Why don't you sit down on top of me?
Ayo
I'm tired of using technology
I need you right in front of me

It's only the chorus, let's be honest here, no one wants to read the lyrics to an entire 50 cent song.

Now, despite the fact that I don't know what "Ayo" means entirely, I'm pretty sure this chorus is about wanking it to internet porn.

He's sick of masturbating and wishes that he had a real lady to "sit down on top of him."

You know who else is in that exact predicament?

This kid:

Yes. Despite his total pwnage over those stupid developer n00bs that kid clearly has not hit it yet (The 'it' in question being lady parts).
And apparently Curtis "I-sold-crack-when-I-was-twelve-and-then-got-shot-nine-times" Jackson is in the exact same situation.
Actually, the kid has a leg up; Fitty probably can't power level a Gnomish Warlock.
Probably.

Alright. That was confusing right?
Not even close.
You remember Nelly right?

It's like he's staring right into my soul.

Daps and hugs mean mugs and shoulder shrugs.
NELLY IS FUCKING INSANE.
That's a lyric from his first single "Country Grammar".
I'm sure you remember it from junior high, much the same as I do. (In this scenario everyone else on the internet is the exact same age as me. Also, they never got held back a grade.)
I'm also sure that much like me you pretended to love it because it's what the cool kids were listening to, but secretly you had no idea what he was talking about.
"Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to me now. Right guys? Right? Me too, right?"


Man.
It's tough to be one of the cool kids. So much translating.
Side Note: How come it's cool to translate crazy rapper talk, but not cool to translate Klingon? WTF people. Priorities. At no point ever are you going to need to be able to speak drugged-out rapper to negotiate for intergalactic peace.


Back to Nelly. He got pretty popular, and thanks to his other single "Hot in Hurr" it's now completely acceptable to replace pretty much whatever letters you want with 'ur's instead.
Example sentences:
Hey, what's that over thur?
My girlfriend dumped me. She just doesn't cur.


Nelly wears a band-aid on his face.

"I'll step to you if you fuck with me. Oh this? I got scratched by a kitty cat."

Apparently he wears it because his brother is in jail, and the band-aid represents solidarity.
How exactly?
No fucking clue.
I think we've already established that rappers have crazy ass-backwards logic:

"Haters gonna Hate, right Taylor?"
"*uncontrollable sobbing*"

Now, someone who is keeping solidarity with his prison-pals (like pen-pals! but more shivving!) must be pretty B.A. right? I bet he raps about like, ho's and his dick and stuff. Wait- Ho's and his dick!
Yeah, that's probably it.
Lyrics to "Just a Dream", Nelly's newest single:
I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

I was at the top and I was like I’m at the basement.
Number one spot and now she found her a replacement.
I swear now I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby.
And now you ain't around, baby I can't think.
Shoulda put it down. Shoulda got that ring.
Cuz I can still feel it in the air.
See her pretty face run my fingers through her hair.


That's enough of that.
Pretty B.A. right? I bet his brother in prison brags about these lyrical bombs his bro is dropping, you know, to earn mad cred.


To finish up this little "Get to know your rapper" piece...
Donald Glover.

Cardigan...BITCH.

Hmm...something seems different about Donald. His picture is slightly different from Nelly and Fitty.
Maybe we'll try another one.

There is no way a caption can improve this photo.

Well...that had the opposite effect.
Donald Glover is not a gangster.
He didn't sell crack (that anyone knows of).
He hasn't been shot.
He certainly hasn't been shot nine fucking times.


If you're as awesome as I am you probably recognize Donald Glover from either NBC's Community or his own Derrick Comedy.
Community is easily one of the best show's on TV, and Derrick Comedy's "Mystery Team" was easily one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. 


Donald started writing fro 30 Rock right out of NYU. In fact, his first year on staff he was still living on NYU campus as an RA because the rent was free. He did have to wear an RA pager to work however.
He's also been doing stand-up comedy and skits with Derrick Comedy.

Seems pretty standard right? Comedian/Actor/Writer.
He's also one hell of a rapper. I would say he's lyrically way better that Fifty of Nelly. How basically either are acting tough to get rich, or acting like a huge pussy to get rich.
Donald seems to just make his music the way he wants, not really worrying about his image.
Or maybe that's all he worries about, how the fuck should I know? I'm not a mind-reader.
Yet.


Obviously that is something a fan threw together to post one of his songs on YouTube, he doesn't have any videos for his work yet.
Quality music though. Not to mention lyrics, here's a little sampling of some of my favourites:


You wouldn't think from the things I'm fashionin' 
I'd get more bush than Kim Kardashian 
Drop hot shit. Yeah, my mouth's a laxative
Born to be the greatest, this is not by accident


I be on that other shit, I'm harder than a consonant
And that's because I'm flyer than the mother ship, you ostrich
I'm awesome rich. Call a bitch. Fresher than my lozenges
The problem is you in the Danger Zone like Kenny Loggins is


I ain't got to do it big, I just gotta do it different
And these hoes are on my dick, and if you got it, it ain't trickin'
I be steady gettin' paper, call a nigga Dunder Mifflin


Ok. I know that just because I love him, doesn't mean you have to.
But you'd be more awesome if you did.
I'm just saying you don't see a lot of rappers throwing out references to The Office.


Also, the guy rapping about this stuff is the same guy doing this. Don't see a lot of rappers doing this kind of thing either.


I guess, basically, this post is just trying to show that this is 2010 people, we don't have to be a "gangster" to be a rapper. Or only be hilarious all the time to do comedy. We've come along way as a society. We aren't as apt to stereotype someone simply based on their appearance, or the material they are involved with.
Oh, unless they are country music stars. Those guys are all rednecks.
Seriously, here are the last 6 guys to win the Country Music Awards Male vocalist of the year.

This goes back to 1996 by the way. Lot of repeat "winners."

In ten years of entertaining they have all looked almost identical.
Keith Urban doesn't rock the cowboy hat, but loses the small amount of credit he gained because he married Nicole Kidman.

I'm scurred.