This is funnier then whatever else you were doing, probably.

If I would have done this in University I probably would have made more sex at the lady-folk.

Let's all stop kidding ourselves + Hobos, Happy Endings, and Douche Maneuvers

Let's all stop kidding Ourselves

For serious people, it's time to admit it, we need to stop pretending like it isn't true. May Long Weekend sucks balls.

It always goes down the same way, the week before is beautiful, everyone makes camping plans and then it fucking rains/snows/volcanoes or whatever and everyone is mad.

Or stuck camping already and cold as hell.

News Flash people - IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR.

Stop making plans. Your inability to outsmart the weather puts you in the same category as a caveman.

If you don't believe me, I have two things to say:

Number 1 - Shut your face-hole.

Number 2 - Here is some statistics from The M-Effin Farmer's Almanac!!!!

Edmonton Weather Statistics for May 21st

2009 - Mean Temp. 6.3 (Celsius, yo)

2008 - Mean Temp. 12.9 + 1cm of precipitation

2007 - Mean Temp. 10.4

2006 - Mean Temp. 12.6

Do you see what I'm saying here people? I sure as hell don't plan on going camping with an average temperature of like 10 degrees. That would suck.

SideBar

Every single one of the idiots that made camping plans that were subsequently ruined by the fact that yesterday in Edmonton it was 4(!) degrees and rained all day came to the theatre when I was working last night.

All of them. It was stupid busy.

I had a lady push through like 10 other people to be all "When is my order going to be ready/I clearly don't need any more food, I just like to let people know that I have no manners and to feel big by yelling at minimum wage employees".

I then rather politely explained that the other 10 people around here also had food ordered and that I was doing my best to prepare everything as quick as possible.

So, using her amazing powers of mental fortitude, she began to try and argue with me about how long it should/should not take to make a burger.

I responded by telling her that we were making everything as fast as we could and that the time I spend talking with her is taking away from the time I could spend preparing orders.

Then I hit her with a shovel and shoved her in the Pizza oven.

Hobos, Happy Endings, and Douche Maneuvers

Don't worry, these things are unrelated...except in my dreams.

As I mentioned earlier it was super hot last week, we had one day hit 30, and that meant one thing:

The Hobos could finally work on their tans!

Ugh. No joke, going from my house to school I saw a minimum of like 8 shirtless guys. I just don't understand. I mean, at a pool, Yes, I get it. Maybe whilst camping, sure. In your own yard, go for it. While walking around downtown Edmonton while wearing mis-matched shoes, probably not necessary.

Better than all that, one Hobo not only was shirtless, pushing a shopping cart, wearing mis-matched work boots, but also....Cut off Jean short-shorts.

Yeah, like, bikini cut. They couldn't get any shorter.

Sexy.

This Hobo filled street I drive down is 107 ave. here in Edmonton, also known as 'The Avenue of Nations". I don't know why, that's just what the sign says. At one point there is a really sketching looking, ahem, "Massage Studio" titles "Just 4 Men Massage".

Yeah. We are all thinking the same thing here. I've driven past it a bunch, and always just assumed it wasn't quite legit...and if you don't know what I mean by that I will give you a hint....Hand Jobs. Men + Ladies + An exchange of Currencies= HJ's.

Now, I had no proof of this, one just assumes that if they can't afford sign lettering to make "for" instead of "4" things can't be that great.

Well, the same day as Edmonton's Sexiest Hobo contest, I was stopped in traffic near the front of the place, I happen to look over, and there is a girl out front of the door smoking a cigarette, wearing LINGERIE.

Yeah. I think this proves me very right.

So, as if this day of wonders can't get any more wondrous. In my ORGA 316 class there was a guy on the other side of the room that wore sunglasses THE WHOLE CLASS. Inside, in a room with no windows to outside. Sunglasses. The whole time, even when she dimmed the lights to watch a video. Now, I may not condemn the guy completely for that, but mostly. However, the fact that he also had his collar popped the whole time pretty much sealed the deal for me.

I need to make room in that Pizza Oven...

The Suit Up Challenge 5/16/10/Reader Contest with Big Big Prizes!

Good Morning internet, how are we today?
I'm sure a little tired after a tough Saturday night. All the people playing WoW and watching illegal videos on my favourite....I mean...some website I've never been to.
Also, the Porn.
Cmon. Single people on a Saturday night? Porn. What else are they going to do with their lives.

Ok, on to the bigger and better things.
Weigh in....drum roll....at 181.8.
Woot.
Surprisingly, after my ridiculous food escapades earlier in the week, I have still managed to go down a little more. I've been telling the F-bomb "I'm going to lose weight" for awhile now, like, the whole time we've been together. Yet, only after putting myself before the mercy of the World Wide...I forgot how that ended. I'll come back to it.
Where was I?
Oh yes, apparently the F-bomb can't shame me into shedding the pounds, but when I think about my faithful readers sitting around with their friends on a Tuesday night, watching the first season of Quantum Leap and saying to each other "Hey, did you see how Ryan said he was going to lose weight, and then proceeded to do nothing? That guy's all talk...and fat." I shudder. Honestly readers, your opinions really matter to me. You guys are great. Both of you.

Alrighty then, on to the big thing everyone is here for....Prizes!
There is no prizes. I just said that so more people would read this. Suckers.
However, there is a contest.
Since I've lost more than 12 pounds I was rewarded with a suit. 2 actually, Moores was having a sale. Also...my mom bought them for me, because she's the coolest. And I'm adorable.
This means I have suited up, so what will become of the Suit up challenge?? That's where you guys come in!!
I need a new name for the Sunday morning weigh in.
Anything you want, sky's the limit.
I will put all the suggestions in a hat, and whatever one i pick will be the new title, I'll pick next saturday, you can either comment on here, or send me a message on Facebook. Winning this contest is pretty much tantamount to living forever. I suggest you toss out an idea.

Med school is for Assholes.

I realize the quality isn't great, Blogger has an upload limit, also, my camera was not made for filming things across long distances, so everything shot in that gym looks like shit.
Tough break. Deal with it.

Big Fat fatty Double Mc-Fat-Fat

That's me by the way.
I'm the big fat fatty double Mc-Fat-Fat.
Seriously.
"Uuuuuuughghggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
That's the sound my stomach is making.
But also, simultaneously, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah."
As everyone is well aware my Step-brother recently graduated law school (His pants are the fanciest) and through some unforeseen pneumonia related health issues I ended up driving my step-dad and mother to Calgary.
Which was very very bad for the diet.
Holy crap. This is a quick list of how much I ruined my diet:

-Braised Lamb Shank with potatoes (Empty Carbs! God!)
- Steamwhistles, plenty of them.
- Subway, not terrible, but again, more carbs then usually acceptable.
-Italian Antipasto Platter, a lot of it. Including two kinds of cheese, genoa salami, mortadella, proscuitto, asagio stuffed peppers, and a lot of Foccacia bread. A lot.
-More beer.
-THREE kinds of Pasta. Most of it covered in buttery delicious sauces.
-Lamb, Veal, and Swordfish. I'm assuming the Swordfish was also a baby, because it was just as delicious as the first two, and we both know they were tasty because of their innocence.
-Ukrainian Breakfast at Nellies, with Perogies, hash browns, and toast. Fuck my life. It was all sooooo good. Nellies sprinkles their hash browns with ground up angels or something.

Once more, Big Fat Fatty Double Mc-Fat-Fat.
I need to go to the gym so bad.
I also have a new video I'm working on that will be posted soon, and a special announcement coming in the next few days!
Very exciting.
Unless you have literally anything else to do with your life other then read my blog. Which you must not, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Steven Seagal: Role Model

Hey,
My Step-brother's a lawyer now.
Yeah.
I fucking know people.
I'm kind of a big deal.

What?
Well no...not as big of a deal as him...he's a lawyer...
Me?
Uhh....part time at a movie theatre, umm, and I go to a University.
No! It's not a community college anymore, it's a University now. Douche.
Well...not "professors", they just call them instructors...I think it's the same thing though.
Briefs-wait! What the hell does that have to do with anything? 


Ok. Back to the matter at hand. I am now Above the Law. That's right, I can do whatever I want. I have a lawyer in the family. Don't like that?
Ok.
I'm going to come to your house and drop a deuce on your driveway.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
I'm all lawyered up. Tough shit.

Here's the get rich quick scheme:
Step 1- I find a rich mark, i.e. guy with a mercedes, franchise restaurant, the vatican. You know, the usual.
Step 2 - Get hit by mercedes/ "Spill" hot coffee on self...or permanent brain freeze damage with a Frosty/ get molested by The Pope.*
Step 3 - Play up the injury good while the Bro' goes all Johnnie Cochran up on everyone's business.
Step 4 -  Swim in my swimming pool full of money.
Step 5 - Probably drown in my swimming pool of money because I've no doubt been drinking, what with my new found fortune and all. What? Like you wouldn't day-drink when you're filthy rich and don't have to work?

Fuck yeah. That's the plan. GO TIME!

Uhh...no. I haven't asked him yet, I'm going to-
Well, why wouldn't he say yes?
What better things to do?
Define "reputable law-firm".
Define "benefits package".
...
...
Why yes...I have been day-drinking.


*Don't act like it isn't likely - all I need to do is act innocent and show some penis and that guy will be all over me.

The Suit Up Challenge Day Late Update

I was supposed to do this yesterday, if you have a problem with that please fill out one of I'm Not Cool Enough to Blog's helpful reader comment cards. You'll find them in your mom's nightstand, I left them there when I was making the sex at her.
See what I did there?
Don't complain, or I sex at your mom.
That's just how I am.
Speaking of moms, yesterday was mother's day. I phoned my mom and she didn't answer, I left a message.
She never called back.
Harsh? Not really, that's pretty regular.
However the F-bombs mom and dad were in town on the weekend, so I did get to wish someone a happy mother's day. We also had pizza. Yeah, that's right, I had pizza. I didn't want to- well, that's a lie. We all know I wanted to, I just wanted to continue my healthy weight loss habit more. But then the future mother in-law literally threatened me with a handful of utensils. There were witnesses. So, I indulged, and holy crap it was so friggin' good. I haven't had anything greasy and delicious in so long now. It blew my mind.
On to the more important parts though I am officially down to 182.2
Kaboom.
That is more then 12lbs since the start of this little thing readers. That means I get to go ahead and buy myself that suit.
It also means that I"m fucking awesome, incase you didn't know.
Fear not, Suit Up Challenge updates will still be given on a regular basis, because despite that fact that I lost the initial 12lbs, which was my goal, I still have plenty more to go. So I shall endure, and continue with the diet and exercise.
More importantly I saw Iron Man 2 on the weekend. It was the tits.
Rarely are sequels as good as the original...even rarely-er (sure) are they better.
This was not better...or as good. But it was darn close!!
These days comic adaptions are so plentiful that they are hit or miss, but this was a very good movie. Tons of entertainment, and Robert Downey, Jr.  is probably a better Tony Stark then anyone could have dreamed of. I would suggest going to see it, if you haven't already.
Anyways, I have a few more moms to go see on account of people getting on my bad side...

Strange tales from ACCT 311

Spring classes started on Monday. They suck taint They are just dandy.
Just jim-dandy. Whatever that means.
I figure it's like regular dandy but with added jim.
I have an uncle Jim.
...
...

Where were we going with this?
I don't know, I thought you knew?
What do you mean 'you', we're us.
Yeah...but, wait. If...then-why are- fuck it.


Accounting 311; better known as simple math attached to annoying rules.
I have this class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. 3 hours a day. Yeah. That's 9 hours of Accounting in 3 days.
I feel like that's too much. But I don't really have options. I spent to much time "Finding myself" (drinking) when I was young. So now, since I'm trying not to completely disappoint the F-bomb (she wakes up next to this

everyday. So a certain amount of disappointment is unavoidable) I'm doing my best to be super responsible and finish school as soon as possible and start my career as a dream sailor snake trainer astronaut cosmonaut argonaut really really  good looking male model Manager, of something. That pays well. Thus, the spring classes.
The impressions I got from my first class were as follows:

The Instructor
First, and foremost, were the hell is your chin? You have either a disturbing amount of face, or neck. Or both. You seemed like you did an alright job of going over the material, however, I am suspicious that when my classroom cohorts asked very good questions you responded with "Oh, uhh, yeah, we go over that in one of the later chapters. So let's just put a pin in it. Mmkay?" Either you don't want to spoil the fun of the exciting chapters to come (Accrued liabilities!!) or you don't know the answer. One of these makes a lot more sense then the other.
Most importantly, you handed out 4 separate things.
4.
Four.
Two, and then another two.
Upon you handing me these items I said "Thank you". Crazy right? I listened, and no one else said thank you. No one has manners anymore. Not once of those 4 times did she say "you're welcome", or any variant of it. She didn't say ANYTHING. I said thank you 4 fucking times, and I didn't get a single response. Some peoples kids...who teach accounting.
Yeah. I don't like her now. Is that weird?

Girl in front of me
I'm very happy for you and your purple thong. It seems very nice, and i'm sure it's not slicing your ass-region in half at all. However, I don't need to see it. I especially don't need to see it for three hours in a row. Honestly, why do you want everyone to see your underwear? I don't understand. You must know it's showing, i'm sure you feel a breeze or something. Also, other people use these chairs...so, gross.

Girl who probably used to be attractive but hasn't yet realized she's let herself go
Let me preface this by saying I don't want to be mean here. I understand we can't all be supermodels, I in particular have a face that gives me first hand experience of this lesson. I have only just recently started to become less chunky, so no, I am not judging her for her size or looks. HOWEVER. She is clearly still wearing the same pair of tight-clingy-jogging-yoga-pants-things that she was wearing 20 pounds ago. So I am sure as hell judging her for that. I mean, come on. Those pants look like they were about to explode. If there at one point was buttons on those I'm sure someone lost an eye. I didn't know man had invented fabric with such stretch yet. It's probably from NASA, those guys come up with all kinds of shit. Like tang. I'm just saying, people need to realize their body types and dress appropriately. Like me, for instance.

Classy.
Also, I may be judging extra harsh because in the course of the class she ate 3 Tim Horton's cookies.
Those are big cookies people.

Super Asian guys that sat next to me
You need to stop talking all class. Seriously, I know you get away with it because you aren't speaking english, so the teacher is to afraid to say anything and look racist. But you need to shut it up. Or I will shut it up for you. Hate crime or not.

Dumb Guy
"Uhh...I went on blackboard, but I don't have this course on there anywhere's"
"Well, you probably aren't registered for the course"
"Uhh, no. I must be."
"Why 'must you be'?"
"Uhh...I don't know."


Yeah. Spring courses. 15 hours of them every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Woooooo.

The Suit Up Challenge 5/2/10

Uhh...
186.4
I realize that is fairly little weight loss considering my previous drops,
and you know what? Mostly my fault.
I was doing so good that a couple of times this week I was like "Hey buddy, you are doing a great job, you go ahead and eat this popcorn. You deserve it."
Obviously I didn't. Stupid!
No, I'm not being that harsh on myself....but, part way through the week I was at 184...so, I'm being a little rough on myself.
Next week though, back on track!
Also, my spring courses start on monday, so I'm sure I will have plenty of people to make fun of.
Yeah, i'm a douche like that.