U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly...bread.

If you were smart you would already know allllll about Hella Chella's balls-to-the-wall awesome Sock Zombie 2011 Giveaway.

If you don't, that obviously means you are dumb. Tough break champ.

Well here's the deal, she bakes. And she's usually pretty good about it.
But she also drinks occasionally.

Step 1 + Step 2 usually results in Ugly Bread.

"Haaay! Oh-I mean...Yaaarg! Or whatever."

So to win the wonderfully fantastical Rhoda I have to make my own ugly bread.
So the F-bomb and I got to work...the last evening possible to enter the contest. In fact, she said "Saturday at the latest" and there is less than 2 hours before Sunday...in fact, I think it technically is Sunday where she lives.
Whatever.
This better effin' count Michelle!
LET'S FRIGGIN DO THIS THING:

Yeast. Yeah, that's right. Also Sugar.

Now you're probably confused...just wait...

Oh...Uhh.This is unrelated.
Carry on.

Ugly bread right? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET.

Muhu--muuhuuuahahahahahaha!
It's Alive!! That's right, I made a BREAD ZOMBIE!!

Ladies and Gentlemen....Zombie Brad P. Loafington the 3rd, Esquire.

Straight Chillin'.

The most delicious role reversal ever.

Right. So that's it.

Now I just wait and dream of Rhoda.

Also...funny story, I felt super proud of myself coming up with this idea, I was all "Oh it's sooo funny, Bread Zombie - Sock Zombie, GET IT??"

However, what I did not think of was checking on the existing entries to the competition. Because I'm not smart, apparently. 

Yeah, Alli over at littlebitpsycho already made an awesome bread baby, very much in the same vain as my project. She did a damn fine job too, so now I just look like an asshole.

Fuck.

For the fellas- wait, no, the ladies! It's for the ladies!

Hey peeps.
What up?
Rhetorical question, I don't really care.
Anywho.
I've been slacking real real bad. I was supposed to keep you all kinds of updated on my weight loss venture. So, commence first update, roughly 3 weeks late.

Insanity started Jan 3. with my initial inputs being:
Weight - 198
BMI - 30.1
Body Fat % - 30.1

There was also fitness test results, that are boring and I'm not going to repeat here. Also, posted some before pictures on Tumblr. Shield your eyes.

On the 17th I had another fit test and was down to 193.4.
I did good on the fit test, improved at least 20% on all my moves, some as much as 100%.

However, things started going a little down hill. I've been having trouble keeping up with Insanity. Don't get me wrong, I've been eating way healthier, following the nutrition guide very closely. I'm just not used to working out so much and it's been hard to do Insanity 6 days a week. So yeah, I've missed some days.

Second confession: Drinking and Insanity don't go well together. Obviously. Had a friends birthday, and then the Superbowl. The Superbowl was actually the day before I was supposed to do my most recent fit test...so that was bad. I ended up still doing it a day late and I didn't perform well. I Did the first 4/8 and improved, the 5th I reached the same, and then sort of collapsed...and then puked a little. For real.

So I didn't finish the other three moves, because it was at least 15 or so minutes before I was capable of doing so and so those numbers wouldn't be accurate. I'm supposed to only have 1 minute in between. I threw it down as a DNF and felt terrible.

At this point I decided that I'm not drinking again until Insanity is over. The other numbers aren't so bad:
Weight after 34 days - 188.8
BMI 28.7
Body Fat % 30.8 (This is higher. We are using some calculator thing online, but the F-bomb says that the accurate way to do it is with some machine or something. So I'm not concerning myself with it too much.)

So I'm down. Which is good. Here are the before/afters that my graphic designer (F-bomb) put together for comparison. I'll post all of them on Tumblr if you're some sort of pervert that's into that kind of thing.

Obviously I've still got a long way to go. But at least under your watchful eyes I will feel horribly ashamed whenever I slip up.

So, thanks...I guess.

Ringing in the New Year....with horrible horrible excruciating exercise routines. Yay.

Hello Unfaithful Blogites,

First, I'd like to mention that I don't refer to you as unfaithful in terms of being a blogite. I actually encourage you to read other peoples blogs because they are usually better than mine. It just means I assume you are all getting around. You know, throwing your "Hey Nana's" all over town (I get all my vagina euphemisms from Rihanna). Not the boys though, they are just extra cool for getting the sex. Double standards are fun!

Ok, on to the point; some of you that have been around for awhile may remember me deciding to try and lose a little weight last spring. I did a pretty good job, I managed to lose roughly 14 pounds in a couple months. Got myself down to 181. Then....I promptly fell apart. So badly apart that less than a year later (that's now!) I am at 198.
Yeah.
I'm my hero too.
Hold the applause.

However, the beginning of the new year and my impending nuptials have encouraged me to once again stop being such a fat mess. To aid me in this venture my step-brother, who I assume is always right because he's a fucking lawyer, has suggested I partake in a workout program called Insanity. Which yes, is truly insane. I'm also following the nutrition guide. Apparently diet and exercise go together. Who knew?

I started the program on Monday, prior to the initial Fit Test I took some before photos.
Don't worry, I won't force my shirtless body upon you.
But if you really want to see what I'm starting with check out my Tumblr.
That paleness is all natural by the way.

I'm going to put my initial measurements and the results of my fit test in here, for the few people that might be interested in seeing them.

Move
Switch Kicks 72
Power Jacks 30
Power Knees 42
Power Jumps 10
Globe Jumps 3
Suicide Jumps 10
Push-up Jacks 9
Low Plank Obliques 9

Measurements
Weight 198
BMI 30.1
Body Fat 30.1%
Neck 16"
Chest 43"
Waist 42"
Hips 43"
Right/Left thigh 22.5"
Right/left calf 15.5"
Right/Left bicep 13.5
Right/left forearm 11"

That was as of Monday prior to the fit test, tomorrow morning I will post my weight. There is also a fit test every two weeks, so I will post those results to see if there is any improvement. I figure after the first month I will take more photos, see if there is any difference.

Wish me luck.
Or don't.
In which case, fuck you.