Dear people with bad taste; Eat a bag of dicks. Love Ryan.

This weekend, July 16th, a little movie called Inception opens.

You may have heard of it.

Or, alternatively, you might suck at life. Those are really the only two options.

Inception currently has a Rotten Tomato rating of 95%.

Sorry, let me speak into your good ear NINETY FIVE FUCKING PERCENT.

A condom is only 97% effective.

I suspect the use of both will end the same for me.

Inception is directed and partially written by Christopher Nolan, you may recognize him from a little movie called The Dark Knight. Here's a recap of what he's pulled off:

The Dark Knight - 94%

The Prestige - 75%

Batman Begins - 84%

Insomnia - 92%

Memento - 92%

The guy knows what he's doing. Just incase you aren't as nerd-tacular as obviously I am go ahead and make sure you watch all of those films. You won't regret it.

Now, obviously, The Dark Knight was a super gigantic movie, recently surpassed by the mega-super-ultra-big Avatar, but reviewers are saying that Inception is the best movie of the year, and Chris Nolan's best work. Making it better than The Dark Knight, and making me very excited.

This is something that makes me happy, the production company has said to themselves "Wow, this guy is the tits. Maybe we should just let him do whatever he wants and watch the money/accolades roll in."

Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 these Ass-Clowns are making the worst fucking decisions I've ever seen.

For example:

In 2001 The Fast and The Furious came out, it is currently rated on Rotten Tomatoes at 54%. Pretty crappy. However it did make $142 million at the box office, so of course they are going to make a sequel.

Enter 2003's 2 Fast 2 Furious. Despite having a ludicrously bad title...and actually guest starring Ludicrous, the movie made $127 million...ugh. Must have been good right? 38% rating.

Once more profit results in more bullshit movies being made, so in 2006 we got The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift. They are in Tokyo. They drift, they are furious. Got it? This movie made significantly less money, only $62 million (Pffftt, only? Right?). With a whopping RT rating of 36%. I've seen it. It was fucking terrible. I'd rather have a 36% chance on not getting hit in the face then have to watch that movie again. Now, from 127 to 62. I'm not Math magician but thats less then half as much money. That is a significant drop. You'd think that perhaps they might say to themselves "Wow. These movies suck taint. Let's stop making them."

Alas, in 2009 we were blessed with Fast and Furious (New Model, Original Parts!). This cinematic masterpiece has a RT rating of 28%!! The lowest yet! The movies are getting progressively worse, and yet, continue to be made!! Box office gross? Fucking $155 million.

Which means now a fifth movie is in pre-production and I kid you not it's called "Fast Five".

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Sorry. I just vomited on my keyboard.

More examples you say?

Astound you with my ability to look up box office stats?

Continue blogging without pants?

Whatever you wish faithful followers!

Maybe you've heard of a movie called Final Destination, starring dreamboat Devon Sawa *eye flutter*, he's no JTT though. This little number is about a boy (Sawa!) who cheats death (non-corporeal!) and saves some lives. Which clearly pisses Death off. The guy has a quota to reach Devon, don't fuck with a man-things livelihood. Hilarity ensues. Oh, my mistake, gruesome deaths ensue. RT rating of 31%. Somehow worse than a movie that replaces two letter words with numbers, to save time, probably. It pulled in a solid $53 million. Which is like 90 mill less than the first garbage Fast and Furious movie, and yet...

In 2003 Final Destination 2 explodes onto the screen! That's 'explode' like diarrhoea, not 'explode' like...well, anything else. (Also, I had to use spellcheck for diarrhoea...and now that I'm looking at it I am afraid my computer is trying to trick me.) Although this follow up is rated at an impressive 47% (Impressive compared to the original 31, not compared to movies that don't suck) it only made $46 million dollars. SURELY they would not be crazy enough to make a sequel?!?!?! SURELY?!?!

...

...

...

Fuck.

2006. Final Destination 3. 44%. $54 million. I really don't want to talk about anything else.

Now, one would assume that since all three of these movies suck more balls then Chasey Lain the producers would just leave them the fuck alone. BUT, it is scientifically proven that what sucks in 2D is totally fucking awesome in 3D.

In 2009 the series was "rebooted", maybe, who the fuck knows. Audiences of the world were treated to The Final Destination. In 3D. This allowed the series to suck in a whole new dimension; RT rating of fucking 27%, and made $66 million.

Somehow the company has decided that a fifth movie is a smart decision. But here's the thing, since it will be the fifth movie, you'd think it would be "Final Destination 5", but since they stopped numbering when the went with 'The Final Destination" what are they going to do?!

5nal Destination.

No.

I am not making this up.

I wish this was a lie.

They went from numbering, to not numbering, to completely idiotic.

The fucking writer probably texted in the script.

Ok. I know some of you have been reading this going "Well jeez Ryan, it seems like these production companies are making money. That's their job. They are doing it. They seem kind of smart."

First, and foremost, DON'T QUESTION ME!

This is my blog and what I say goes.

Secondly, you are absolutely correct. If I had the opportunity to make boatloads of money off of garbage like New Moon (Currently rated at 27% and SO FAR has made $296 Million dollars. Are you fucking kidding me?) I would.

The producers are smart as hell.

It's the people paying to see the movies that are stupid. Stop encouraging them!

If producers stop making money for garbage they will have to start making better films.

But since the majority of North America loves leading by example, these fucking terrible movies will continue to be churned out.