A little something to hold you over.

I'm going on vacation bitches!

Wooo!

It's going to be beaches, bikinis, partying hard, sunshine, and cocktails!

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Why do you need to know where?

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Somewhere fun, can't you just be happy with that?

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Fine. My Grandma's.

But she's awesome, so fuck you.

I'll be gone for the next week, and there is no internet access at the cottage (Gasp! How will I survive without checking my Facebook every 14 seconds! Answer? By drinking!) so I thought I would leave my loyal followers with a post before I go-go.

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Yeah.

That was pretty lame. Deal with it.

*Ahem*

A lot of Bloggers might obscure their true identity, or, try to project some sort of "Blogging Alter-Ego" (this is probably not true, seeing as I just made it up) Not me though.

I find that really the only thing this blog has going for it is that people like to laugh about my shortcomings and feel better about themselves. I am very ok with this.

I'm also ok with talking about myself. A lot.

Really, this is my Blog.

If I want to devote an entire post to me, I'm going to do it and you can't stop me.

As such I have prepared a little post I like to call:

The Changing Face of Ryan Phillips.

Or

Ryans in Time!!!

This little number is from High School. I think I'm about 18 years old. I've just been hit in the groin, which I am now icing with frozen...something. Fries maybe. You'll also notice I weigh about 7.5 lbs. 

To really juxtapose that last picture I've gone with a little number I like to call "Where the fuck is my Neck?" You'll notice a Chandler-esque transformation into some sort of Sloth-like beast. Also, this photo was taken on the day I proposed. I can't believe she said yes to that neck. Moving on...

Here I am in an elevator being presented by a blonde girl who probably is not important (snap!). As I recall the conversation went like this:

Camera-person:Say Blonde girl, do you have any faces for sale?

Blonde Girl: Why yes, I have this face right here *Hand Motion*

Ryan: I"M IN AN ELEVATOR. 

You'll notice by the sudden reappearance of my neck that we have ventured backwards in time towards my younger days. 

Hmm...that's odd. I don't have a stupid look on my face....I thought that was a prerequisite for photo's of me. This must be some sort of Photo-shop deal.

Ahhh, yes. This seems more reasonable. Also, as the F-bomb can verify, I hate pants. I really do my best to avoid wearing them as much as possible. FYI, not wearing pants as I type this.

At this point you are probably saying to yourself, "Wow Ryan, you are correct. You do not photograph well." You would be right.

At this point some of the more savvy readers might be saying to themselves "Well geez Ryan, it seems to me like you are drinking in all of those photos. In fact, in a majority of them we can actually see drinks or the bar in the background." Good for you savvy reader! Very observant, even though we feel like we are getting better looking as we drink, we definitely are not.

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I hear what you are saying, alcohol is our friend.

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Proof that alcohol is to blame? Well..not really.

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Un-biased research? Ok...I'll give it a try.

Oh. Well. I guess I don't look terrible here, and I've been drinking. Also, I'm in a bar. Hmm...maybe my theory was wrong...

Well...this looks fine too. Weird. Oh wait....hold on a second.

Fuck.

Thanks for proving my point guys.

Yesterday (or maybe the day before. I don't really fact check this stuff) I wrote a bit about production companies and the hollywood "machine" being pretty much idiots.

Today I read that Kevin Feige, who is the Marvel guy in charge of all their movie stuff, announced that both Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger will be CONVERTED TO 3D!

What.

The.

Fuck.

Ok. Here is the thing. Converting movies to 3d is a horrible, horrible idea.

Case in point: Clash of the Titans (If you want to know how bad, refer to me)

Clash of the Titans was converted to 3D in such horrible, money grubbing fashion that it literally made the movie worse. As do most conversions. It was blurry and the 3D made people sick at points because the focus was so bad.

If you don't know what i'm talking about when I say "converted" I will explain.

A movie like Avatar, a little film you might have heard of, is FILMED in 3D. Meaning James Cameron has these stupid gigantic 3D cameras that he lugs around and actually shoots with, or some producer sends the film to an effects company AFTER THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS ALREADY MADE, and they do some shit with their computers.

Go read this article on Slate for a far better description of both the filming and converting process, they are much smarter than I.

All I'm saying is that so far in 2010 some of the larger films that converted to 3D have been Alice in Wonderland, Clash of the Suck, and The Last Airbender. All of these movies were roasted for their shitty use of 3D. So why in the hell is Marvel converted 2 of the biggest movies it's ever made?

Whoever wants to go see these movies is already going to go see them, no one is going to say "Oh, Thor was going to suck...but now that it's 3D I'll spend the money!" This can literally only make these movies worse, and in turn piss off the nerds.

And trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT MILLIONS OF ANGRY NERDS ON YOUR HANDS.

They will sneak into your bedroom while you are asleep and assault you with a never ending battery of asthma inhalers and orthopaedic shoes.

Alright, the last two posts have been very negative in regards to movies, so I will end this with some good news about movies.

It's Kind of a Funny Story is a new film by husband and wife film-making team Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck. The trailer is below, and I think it looks really good. They made Half Nelson with Ryan Gosling, and I've seen it and it is really good. So check it out, and go spend money on this when it comes out.

Or I'll kick you off my blog.

Adventures in Cuisine!

I was in Medicine Hat for a wedding and had some spare time between the ceremony and reception...and I also have a love for fine foods.

Dear people with bad taste; Eat a bag of dicks. Love Ryan.

This weekend, July 16th, a little movie called Inception opens.

You may have heard of it.

Or, alternatively, you might suck at life. Those are really the only two options.

Inception currently has a Rotten Tomato rating of 95%.

Sorry, let me speak into your good ear NINETY FIVE FUCKING PERCENT.

A condom is only 97% effective.

I suspect the use of both will end the same for me.

Inception is directed and partially written by Christopher Nolan, you may recognize him from a little movie called The Dark Knight. Here's a recap of what he's pulled off:

The Dark Knight - 94%

The Prestige - 75%

Batman Begins - 84%

Insomnia - 92%

Memento - 92%

The guy knows what he's doing. Just incase you aren't as nerd-tacular as obviously I am go ahead and make sure you watch all of those films. You won't regret it.

Now, obviously, The Dark Knight was a super gigantic movie, recently surpassed by the mega-super-ultra-big Avatar, but reviewers are saying that Inception is the best movie of the year, and Chris Nolan's best work. Making it better than The Dark Knight, and making me very excited.

This is something that makes me happy, the production company has said to themselves "Wow, this guy is the tits. Maybe we should just let him do whatever he wants and watch the money/accolades roll in."

Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 these Ass-Clowns are making the worst fucking decisions I've ever seen.

For example:

In 2001 The Fast and The Furious came out, it is currently rated on Rotten Tomatoes at 54%. Pretty crappy. However it did make $142 million at the box office, so of course they are going to make a sequel.

Enter 2003's 2 Fast 2 Furious. Despite having a ludicrously bad title...and actually guest starring Ludicrous, the movie made $127 million...ugh. Must have been good right? 38% rating.

Once more profit results in more bullshit movies being made, so in 2006 we got The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift. They are in Tokyo. They drift, they are furious. Got it? This movie made significantly less money, only $62 million (Pffftt, only? Right?). With a whopping RT rating of 36%. I've seen it. It was fucking terrible. I'd rather have a 36% chance on not getting hit in the face then have to watch that movie again. Now, from 127 to 62. I'm not Math magician but thats less then half as much money. That is a significant drop. You'd think that perhaps they might say to themselves "Wow. These movies suck taint. Let's stop making them."

Alas, in 2009 we were blessed with Fast and Furious (New Model, Original Parts!). This cinematic masterpiece has a RT rating of 28%!! The lowest yet! The movies are getting progressively worse, and yet, continue to be made!! Box office gross? Fucking $155 million.

Which means now a fifth movie is in pre-production and I kid you not it's called "Fast Five".

lasgilhalksdgljabgl

Sorry. I just vomited on my keyboard.

More examples you say?

Astound you with my ability to look up box office stats?

Continue blogging without pants?

Whatever you wish faithful followers!

Maybe you've heard of a movie called Final Destination, starring dreamboat Devon Sawa *eye flutter*, he's no JTT though. This little number is about a boy (Sawa!) who cheats death (non-corporeal!) and saves some lives. Which clearly pisses Death off. The guy has a quota to reach Devon, don't fuck with a man-things livelihood. Hilarity ensues. Oh, my mistake, gruesome deaths ensue. RT rating of 31%. Somehow worse than a movie that replaces two letter words with numbers, to save time, probably. It pulled in a solid $53 million. Which is like 90 mill less than the first garbage Fast and Furious movie, and yet...

In 2003 Final Destination 2 explodes onto the screen! That's 'explode' like diarrhoea, not 'explode' like...well, anything else. (Also, I had to use spellcheck for diarrhoea...and now that I'm looking at it I am afraid my computer is trying to trick me.) Although this follow up is rated at an impressive 47% (Impressive compared to the original 31, not compared to movies that don't suck) it only made $46 million dollars. SURELY they would not be crazy enough to make a sequel?!?!?! SURELY?!?!

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...

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Fuck.

2006. Final Destination 3. 44%. $54 million. I really don't want to talk about anything else.

Now, one would assume that since all three of these movies suck more balls then Chasey Lain the producers would just leave them the fuck alone. BUT, it is scientifically proven that what sucks in 2D is totally fucking awesome in 3D.

In 2009 the series was "rebooted", maybe, who the fuck knows. Audiences of the world were treated to The Final Destination. In 3D. This allowed the series to suck in a whole new dimension; RT rating of fucking 27%, and made $66 million.

Somehow the company has decided that a fifth movie is a smart decision. But here's the thing, since it will be the fifth movie, you'd think it would be "Final Destination 5", but since they stopped numbering when the went with 'The Final Destination" what are they going to do?!

5nal Destination.

No.

I am not making this up.

I wish this was a lie.

They went from numbering, to not numbering, to completely idiotic.

The fucking writer probably texted in the script.

Ok. I know some of you have been reading this going "Well jeez Ryan, it seems like these production companies are making money. That's their job. They are doing it. They seem kind of smart."

First, and foremost, DON'T QUESTION ME!

This is my blog and what I say goes.

Secondly, you are absolutely correct. If I had the opportunity to make boatloads of money off of garbage like New Moon (Currently rated at 27% and SO FAR has made $296 Million dollars. Are you fucking kidding me?) I would.

The producers are smart as hell.

It's the people paying to see the movies that are stupid. Stop encouraging them!

If producers stop making money for garbage they will have to start making better films.

But since the majority of North America loves leading by example, these fucking terrible movies will continue to be churned out.