Most people that aren't me are good at stuff.

My buddy Matt is awesome.
He is the type of guy that can talk you into doing something you hate, and have you thanking him by the end of it.
He's also so creative it makes me want to cry go work out, because I'm super envious that I have to rely on fart jokes all the times.
This being said, I'm going to shamelessly plug him, he's started writing some stuff and putting it on a Blog.
It's super good stuff, on my blog I just usually complain about people or make fun of my face, but he actually writes stuff. Good stuff, with like artistic merit and whatnot.
Pfft.
He can keep his "merit". I still have Nino.

Surprisingly he holds the world record for most Flapjacks eaten in 30 minutes.

Anyways, you can find the link to his awesome work right here, and also in the area on the right of "People that are cooler than me."
Go read it, or I'll put up topless photos of myself.
I SWEAR TO GOD I"LL DO IT.

Security Breach!

As you can see from the picture below, I've been hacked;

JK's! This actually happened!

Horrifying.
It's been decided that I need to pump up the security here at the blog. I'm a high priority target people.
You'll notice in the new banner up above that I've hired a crack security team.
...
We are still working out the details of services. I don't think they are working out...
Anyways.
I've taken it upon myself to find the identity of this hacker, because I"M NOT OK WITH DICKS.
Only I get to decide who puts dicks in my mouth-I mean - only I put dicks - agh, I mean - I get to choose the dicks- Gah!
...
...
I don't like dicks.
Moving on.
From my fairly expertise understanding of the internet (most of which was learned from the excellent 1995 movie Hackers) to "hack" someone you'd have to be very small.
You know, because the fence the internet puts up around my blog only has very small openings.
Judging by the size of the openings the intruder must have been about the size of a small dog...or a really big cat.
However...they wouldn't have the opposable thumbs necessary to type on a keyboard...
Oh god.
There's only one person it could have been:

Nino! Worlds smalles/coolest man!

Blast you Nino!
This round goes to you...but I'm already planning my counter-attack!
You think you're so cool...but we'll see how cool you are when I put those fancy sunglasses on top of your fridge.
THEN WHAT YOU SMUG BASTARD???

Ryan Phillips: Dean of Awesome.

School has started once again.
For me anyways, I doubt you people are educated. If you were I'm sure you wouldn't be reading a blog with so many fart jokes. Although to be fair, fart jokes are hilarious.
Moving on to my point:
We need to do more rigorous testing before letting people into Post-Secondary Institutions.
I know what you're thinking...
"Jeez Ryan, I'm surprised to hear that coming from you. You know...because you are lazy."
Oh imaginary-reader-who-sounds-just-like-me....you know me so well!
Yes. This is quite correct, I'm hella lazy. Or, as I like to think of it, hella efficient.

The more rigorous testing I discussed earlier is not in regards to "grades" or "extra-curriculars" or "other bullshit like that". No, I propose that we start screening potential students on more important aspects;
Like whether or not they are a complete jackass.
We need to stop the Douche-baggery people! It is running rampant all over this place, and I can't take it anymore!
Yeah, I'm sure all the people in here had good enough grades to skim by into their faculty of choice, but does that mean that they are "smart" enough to deserve to be here?

My Faculty of choice

Since these people are obviously incapable of helping themselves, I have taken it upon myself to help them with a handy list that they can refer to on days when they have school...or are leaving the house at all really.

Preparing for Your Day

It's early, I understand, I don't like it either. In fact I hate it.  I HATE IT SO MUCH!

Regardless of this, there are still some common courtesies that you must take into account for the benefit of your fellow students/humans/small-household-mammals.

I'm going to try and explain this in chronological order, so that when you print this off in the pocket-size travel version it is easy to follow along.

First things first, Shower. You are a disgusting human being. You sweat/poop/pee/ejaculate/eat-too-much-garlic on a fairly regular basis. Which is why you need to regularly clean yourself. Yes, it is ok to wake up super hungover and stumble over to the local McDonald's for a McGangBang. No, it is not ok to go to a crowded place for an extended period of time to sit elbow to elbow with people while you SMELL LIKE THE INSIDE OF AN OUTHOUSE. You're a grown-up, or, at the very least, almost a grown-up. Don't be gross. Also, use deodorant. Everyday. Quit fucking around.

Next.

School is not your house. School, as implied by the name, is fucking school. So that means I don't want to see you wearing any PJ's. These are for sleeping. Here's a simple test to decide if your outfit is appropriate: Look down. Are you wearing PJ's? Yes? Are you in your house? No? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Have some self-respect and don't dress like a homeless person when you go to the place that you are supposedly preparing to be some sort of "professional." This is not the only dress-code ruling; Also falling into this category; Sweatpants. Sweatpants are a major offender. Let me just throw this out there for you faithful-ish Blog-ites: If you aren't allowed to wear it to a Strip Club, don't fucking wear it to University.

The major problem with this dress code violation is one store, Lu-Lu Fucking Lemon. Ladies, I don't care how much you paid for your "Yoga" pants, or "Workout" pants, or "Tadasana" pants (that's right off their website, and I don't know what the hell it means. Do you?), I STILL DON"T WANT TO SEE YOUR DAMNED UTERUS WHILE I'M TRYING TO LEARN/NOT FALL ASLEEP. 

"Like, OMG Ryan, totally calm down, these are like designer pants, and they totally make my ass look good, also, some guys at Diesel Ultra Lounge (The official hangout of Date-rapists!) told me that it's totally a turn out to be able to see my vagina lips through my pants. Camel-toes are the new cleavage. It's totally business-casual."
NO.
Sweet Baby Jesus, NO.
Look, "Designer clothing is clothing that bears the logo of a recognizable fashion designer." Thanks Wikipedia! You know what that means? FUCK ALL. Let me tell you a little secret about Fashion Designers: they are people. Guess what? People are money hungry whores, everybody, even me, hell - especially me. A fashion designer will sell their name to any damned department store that is willing to pay them enough to throw their name on some shit and sell it. Keeping that in mind, LuLu Lemon doesn't even fall into that category!! It's the fucking company. That would be like me wearing only a Fruit of the Loom onesie and justifying it by saying it was "Designer."

I got a surprising amount of Porn when I google image searched "Adult Onesie"

I'm actually giving people a surprising amount a leeway on what to wear. All I'm saying is PJ's and Sweatpants aren't ok. There is a guy in my Stats class that has so far worn either a "Tap Out" or "Affliction" sweater to every class. Now, I may think that these sweaters are stupid, but he probably thinks my Justice League T-shirt is stupid also. However, as much as I disagree with his fashion sense, at least I can't see his wiener through his pants because he is proper enough to wear real pants out in public.

Travelling To and From School
A lot of students use public transportation to get to and from school. Probably due to the fact that we are literally FORCED to pay for it whether we will be using it or not. But regardless of how ecstatic you are to be on public transport (It smells like a hobo's insides! yay!) try to keep your glee contained and use a little common sense.

When entering the bus/train please let the people at the inside of the door get off first. Do not be like the girl on my bus the other day who literally stepped on right when the doors opened and started pushing her way through the line of upwards of 15 people attempting to exit. Seriously, just stand politely to the right or the left of the doors and hop on when they are done exiting. Not that hard to figure out.

When sitting on the aisle seat please pay attention to the person you have trapped next to you in the window seat, they will need to get out eventually, and when you see them start to stand up you need to do the same and get out of the way. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES remain seated and force them to awkwardly slide between you and the seat in front of you. What kind of sick fuck are you? That SHOULDN'T be enjoyable for either one of you, and if you're forcing people into that situation then I assume you're also the kind of person that tortured small animals as a child.

Walking is hard for you- I realize, maybe spit out your gum and try it again. But let me emphasize something that far too many people tend to ignore; walking has the same damn rules no matter where you are. PEDESTRIAN TRAFFIC SHOULD WORK THE SAME AS REGULAR TRAFFIC. I assume the people that don't understand this also don't understand how regular traffic is supposed to work. What it means is that, here in Canada, when you walk/drive you stay on your right. Walkers this applies in every situation Sidewalks, Hallways, Crosswalks, MALLS. Fucking Malls. I hate malls. Anyways, stay on the right, pass on the left. Don't walk down the middle of the damned sidewalk with two friends on either side of you. YOU ARE MONOPOLIZING THAT SIDEWALK AND THAT IS NOT OK.

At School
You're in the big leagues now! You've actually made it in, hopefully you have real pants on and don't smell like a skunk's anus. First and foremost, you don't own the place- so treat it with some respect, garbage in the garbage, recyclables...in the garbage, the point is just don't leave your trash laying out all over the damn place.

Remember our talk earlier about walking? Well it all applies here again with a small addition: Hallways are effin busy at certain times of the day, so stick to the rules as mentioned but also allow people to turn left. Let me make you a quick diagram.

Wow. This is why I write. What a piece of shit.

Ok. The green arrows represent the nice orderly flow of traffic, but when the red dot needs to get into the blue-dot classroom they have to stop. This is the problem everyone has trouble with, when you are in the up arrow and see that person waiting for an opening just FUCKING LET THEM IN. Otherwise they hold up all the people behind them and then the hallway turns into one big cluster-fuck.

While we are discussing simple manners that improve the lives of everyone around us why don't we add not eating food from packaging that make more noise than a shuttle launch. Let's think about this:

Turkey sandwich - Appropriate
Apple (Or most kinds of fruit) -Appropriate
Rice Cakes in foil-esque bag - I hope you get hit by a bus.

"We're super loud and taste like air! Yaaaay!"

I personally like to be on time. In fact I am usually early because I hate being late so much. That being said, we're all only human...for now. So it is understandable that you may from time to time be running late for things. Ok. We will have to deal with the interruption of you loudly stumbling in mid-class and fumbling around with the obscene amount of things you needed to bring while struggling to find the one empty seat remaining. I won't pull your card for this.
Just a quick question though....WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT EVERYDAY?! Seriously, EVERYDAY? Set your alarm earlier, walk faster, take an earlier bus. Do something, you have no excuse for being late everyday. All you are saying is "I don't give a fuck about this class, and I sure as hell don't give a fuck about inconveniencing you people." Well that's just plain rude.

Now somebody just put me in charge of a school and I will start taking care of this shit.
I know that this was mostly just me complaining, but I think most people who were taught to be polite to others would agree with me on most of this stuff. If not, I don't care.
I can do whatever I like around here.
T.I. told me so.