Shatner is better than you are. Deal with it.

Guess what?
Avatar is coming back out with 9 more minutes of footage.
I'm a huge nerd so I'm going to go see it in Imax 3d.
I wanted to post this neat little video of James Cameron talking with a guy about the Cameron/Pace film system, which is the 3D camera system that he FRIGGIN INVENTED, but I can't get that video to work.
So you get this instead.
It's also a giant waste of your time.

A little something to hold you over.

I'm going on vacation bitches!

Wooo!

It's going to be beaches, bikinis, partying hard, sunshine, and cocktails!

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Why do you need to know where?

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Somewhere fun, can't you just be happy with that?

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Fine. My Grandma's.

But she's awesome, so fuck you.

I'll be gone for the next week, and there is no internet access at the cottage (Gasp! How will I survive without checking my Facebook every 14 seconds! Answer? By drinking!) so I thought I would leave my loyal followers with a post before I go-go.

...

Yeah.

That was pretty lame. Deal with it.

*Ahem*

A lot of Bloggers might obscure their true identity, or, try to project some sort of "Blogging Alter-Ego" (this is probably not true, seeing as I just made it up) Not me though.

I find that really the only thing this blog has going for it is that people like to laugh about my shortcomings and feel better about themselves. I am very ok with this.

I'm also ok with talking about myself. A lot.

Really, this is my Blog.

If I want to devote an entire post to me, I'm going to do it and you can't stop me.

As such I have prepared a little post I like to call:

The Changing Face of Ryan Phillips.

Or

Ryans in Time!!!

This little number is from High School. I think I'm about 18 years old. I've just been hit in the groin, which I am now icing with frozen...something. Fries maybe. You'll also notice I weigh about 7.5 lbs. 

To really juxtapose that last picture I've gone with a little number I like to call "Where the fuck is my Neck?" You'll notice a Chandler-esque transformation into some sort of Sloth-like beast. Also, this photo was taken on the day I proposed. I can't believe she said yes to that neck. Moving on...

Here I am in an elevator being presented by a blonde girl who probably is not important (snap!). As I recall the conversation went like this:

Camera-person:Say Blonde girl, do you have any faces for sale?

Blonde Girl: Why yes, I have this face right here *Hand Motion*

Ryan: I"M IN AN ELEVATOR. 

You'll notice by the sudden reappearance of my neck that we have ventured backwards in time towards my younger days. 

Hmm...that's odd. I don't have a stupid look on my face....I thought that was a prerequisite for photo's of me. This must be some sort of Photo-shop deal.

Ahhh, yes. This seems more reasonable. Also, as the F-bomb can verify, I hate pants. I really do my best to avoid wearing them as much as possible. FYI, not wearing pants as I type this.

At this point you are probably saying to yourself, "Wow Ryan, you are correct. You do not photograph well." You would be right.

At this point some of the more savvy readers might be saying to themselves "Well geez Ryan, it seems to me like you are drinking in all of those photos. In fact, in a majority of them we can actually see drinks or the bar in the background." Good for you savvy reader! Very observant, even though we feel like we are getting better looking as we drink, we definitely are not.

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I hear what you are saying, alcohol is our friend.

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Proof that alcohol is to blame? Well..not really.

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Un-biased research? Ok...I'll give it a try.

Oh. Well. I guess I don't look terrible here, and I've been drinking. Also, I'm in a bar. Hmm...maybe my theory was wrong...

Well...this looks fine too. Weird. Oh wait....hold on a second.

Fuck.

Thanks for proving my point guys.

Yesterday (or maybe the day before. I don't really fact check this stuff) I wrote a bit about production companies and the hollywood "machine" being pretty much idiots.

Today I read that Kevin Feige, who is the Marvel guy in charge of all their movie stuff, announced that both Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger will be CONVERTED TO 3D!

What.

The.

Fuck.

Ok. Here is the thing. Converting movies to 3d is a horrible, horrible idea.

Case in point: Clash of the Titans (If you want to know how bad, refer to me)

Clash of the Titans was converted to 3D in such horrible, money grubbing fashion that it literally made the movie worse. As do most conversions. It was blurry and the 3D made people sick at points because the focus was so bad.

If you don't know what i'm talking about when I say "converted" I will explain.

A movie like Avatar, a little film you might have heard of, is FILMED in 3D. Meaning James Cameron has these stupid gigantic 3D cameras that he lugs around and actually shoots with, or some producer sends the film to an effects company AFTER THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS ALREADY MADE, and they do some shit with their computers.

Go read this article on Slate for a far better description of both the filming and converting process, they are much smarter than I.

All I'm saying is that so far in 2010 some of the larger films that converted to 3D have been Alice in Wonderland, Clash of the Suck, and The Last Airbender. All of these movies were roasted for their shitty use of 3D. So why in the hell is Marvel converted 2 of the biggest movies it's ever made?

Whoever wants to go see these movies is already going to go see them, no one is going to say "Oh, Thor was going to suck...but now that it's 3D I'll spend the money!" This can literally only make these movies worse, and in turn piss off the nerds.

And trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT MILLIONS OF ANGRY NERDS ON YOUR HANDS.

They will sneak into your bedroom while you are asleep and assault you with a never ending battery of asthma inhalers and orthopaedic shoes.

Alright, the last two posts have been very negative in regards to movies, so I will end this with some good news about movies.

It's Kind of a Funny Story is a new film by husband and wife film-making team Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck. The trailer is below, and I think it looks really good. They made Half Nelson with Ryan Gosling, and I've seen it and it is really good. So check it out, and go spend money on this when it comes out.

Or I'll kick you off my blog.

Adventures in Cuisine!

I was in Medicine Hat for a wedding and had some spare time between the ceremony and reception...and I also have a love for fine foods.

Dear people with bad taste; Eat a bag of dicks. Love Ryan.

This weekend, July 16th, a little movie called Inception opens.

You may have heard of it.

Or, alternatively, you might suck at life. Those are really the only two options.

Inception currently has a Rotten Tomato rating of 95%.

Sorry, let me speak into your good ear NINETY FIVE FUCKING PERCENT.

A condom is only 97% effective.

I suspect the use of both will end the same for me.

Inception is directed and partially written by Christopher Nolan, you may recognize him from a little movie called The Dark Knight. Here's a recap of what he's pulled off:

The Dark Knight - 94%

The Prestige - 75%

Batman Begins - 84%

Insomnia - 92%

Memento - 92%

The guy knows what he's doing. Just incase you aren't as nerd-tacular as obviously I am go ahead and make sure you watch all of those films. You won't regret it.

Now, obviously, The Dark Knight was a super gigantic movie, recently surpassed by the mega-super-ultra-big Avatar, but reviewers are saying that Inception is the best movie of the year, and Chris Nolan's best work. Making it better than The Dark Knight, and making me very excited.

This is something that makes me happy, the production company has said to themselves "Wow, this guy is the tits. Maybe we should just let him do whatever he wants and watch the money/accolades roll in."

Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 these Ass-Clowns are making the worst fucking decisions I've ever seen.

For example:

In 2001 The Fast and The Furious came out, it is currently rated on Rotten Tomatoes at 54%. Pretty crappy. However it did make $142 million at the box office, so of course they are going to make a sequel.

Enter 2003's 2 Fast 2 Furious. Despite having a ludicrously bad title...and actually guest starring Ludicrous, the movie made $127 million...ugh. Must have been good right? 38% rating.

Once more profit results in more bullshit movies being made, so in 2006 we got The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift. They are in Tokyo. They drift, they are furious. Got it? This movie made significantly less money, only $62 million (Pffftt, only? Right?). With a whopping RT rating of 36%. I've seen it. It was fucking terrible. I'd rather have a 36% chance on not getting hit in the face then have to watch that movie again. Now, from 127 to 62. I'm not Math magician but thats less then half as much money. That is a significant drop. You'd think that perhaps they might say to themselves "Wow. These movies suck taint. Let's stop making them."

Alas, in 2009 we were blessed with Fast and Furious (New Model, Original Parts!). This cinematic masterpiece has a RT rating of 28%!! The lowest yet! The movies are getting progressively worse, and yet, continue to be made!! Box office gross? Fucking $155 million.

Which means now a fifth movie is in pre-production and I kid you not it's called "Fast Five".

lasgilhalksdgljabgl

Sorry. I just vomited on my keyboard.

More examples you say?

Astound you with my ability to look up box office stats?

Continue blogging without pants?

Whatever you wish faithful followers!

Maybe you've heard of a movie called Final Destination, starring dreamboat Devon Sawa *eye flutter*, he's no JTT though. This little number is about a boy (Sawa!) who cheats death (non-corporeal!) and saves some lives. Which clearly pisses Death off. The guy has a quota to reach Devon, don't fuck with a man-things livelihood. Hilarity ensues. Oh, my mistake, gruesome deaths ensue. RT rating of 31%. Somehow worse than a movie that replaces two letter words with numbers, to save time, probably. It pulled in a solid $53 million. Which is like 90 mill less than the first garbage Fast and Furious movie, and yet...

In 2003 Final Destination 2 explodes onto the screen! That's 'explode' like diarrhoea, not 'explode' like...well, anything else. (Also, I had to use spellcheck for diarrhoea...and now that I'm looking at it I am afraid my computer is trying to trick me.) Although this follow up is rated at an impressive 47% (Impressive compared to the original 31, not compared to movies that don't suck) it only made $46 million dollars. SURELY they would not be crazy enough to make a sequel?!?!?! SURELY?!?!

...

...

...

Fuck.

2006. Final Destination 3. 44%. $54 million. I really don't want to talk about anything else.

Now, one would assume that since all three of these movies suck more balls then Chasey Lain the producers would just leave them the fuck alone. BUT, it is scientifically proven that what sucks in 2D is totally fucking awesome in 3D.

In 2009 the series was "rebooted", maybe, who the fuck knows. Audiences of the world were treated to The Final Destination. In 3D. This allowed the series to suck in a whole new dimension; RT rating of fucking 27%, and made $66 million.

Somehow the company has decided that a fifth movie is a smart decision. But here's the thing, since it will be the fifth movie, you'd think it would be "Final Destination 5", but since they stopped numbering when the went with 'The Final Destination" what are they going to do?!

5nal Destination.

No.

I am not making this up.

I wish this was a lie.

They went from numbering, to not numbering, to completely idiotic.

The fucking writer probably texted in the script.

Ok. I know some of you have been reading this going "Well jeez Ryan, it seems like these production companies are making money. That's their job. They are doing it. They seem kind of smart."

First, and foremost, DON'T QUESTION ME!

This is my blog and what I say goes.

Secondly, you are absolutely correct. If I had the opportunity to make boatloads of money off of garbage like New Moon (Currently rated at 27% and SO FAR has made $296 Million dollars. Are you fucking kidding me?) I would.

The producers are smart as hell.

It's the people paying to see the movies that are stupid. Stop encouraging them!

If producers stop making money for garbage they will have to start making better films.

But since the majority of North America loves leading by example, these fucking terrible movies will continue to be churned out.

Time to take out the White-Trash.

I went on an awesome camping escapade this weekend. It was my buddy Cory's birthday so a bunch of us headed down to a local site to frolic in the glory that is nature.

I didn't take any pictures, because I didn't take my camera...because I can't even take care of myself, let alone electronics. However, other people did, and as soon as I get sent some I will let you all share in the glory.

For now however, you can share my pain:

I honestly don't think that photo does the searing flesh of solar tyranny justice; It hurts to breath. (You'll notice that my MacBook WebCam skillz are increasing, I managed to include all the good burn marks, and the look of Pain/Terror on my face, but cut it off right before the image of my supple, yet firm, man-breasts.)

My own fault. I know. I was busy Icing Bros, I couldn't apply SPF Fucking Hot Out. (I think that's around 15 or so.)

At this point in the blog we come to more important matters, a life lesson of sorts:

NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM BEING WHITE-TRASH

Take the above photo into account. That tan line is clearly a Hanes Tagless Men's White Tank, or as it is more commonly known a "wife-beater". No doubt called this due to the propensity of fans of said shirt to be avid domestic offenders.

Now, let's be clear blog, all 13 (What? 13? HolyShit, I'm like Oprah...except you know...not from Chicago.) of you: Domestic Violence is not funny in any capacity (except when a woman is beating up a man - that's fucking hilarious) and should not be ignored. If you know someone who is a victim of domestic violence don't ignore it.

That being said, dressing like a redneck is hilarious. Especially when camping and drinking dangerously large amounts of alcohol. It does have it's downside though; the burns.

To further back up my point...

Who is he hurting you say? What's wrong about this? He's just enjoying some music and a sweet-fucking haircut?

It has it's consequences:

Yeah. If I ever let my 17 year old daughter go to a party dressed like that just slap me. With a fist.

I know a bunch of you shitty parents are all like "Oh whatever, it's covering as much as a bathing suit." Yes, it is. But a bathing suit serves a purpose, it's for going swimming.

You put a bathing suit on with the express purpose of swimming, or perhaps sun tanning. Both fairly acceptable practices.

What do you think the purpose of this outfit is for?

It's to look like a damn hussy. It's to turn on young (and, unfortunately old) boys and make young (also, even more unfortunately old) girls want to dress and act the same. All with the purpose of making money.

Don't get me wrong, I am not at all against using one's body to make tha' chedda' (Do the kids still call it this?...I mean money), in fact, if anybody wanted to pay to see mine I might totally do it.

But come on, at least wait until she's a grown up. Have a smidge of decency.

Not enough blog? Fuck you.

Yeah, so...it's been a little while.

I have no idea how long exactly...

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Oh there's a date on the bottom of my last post?

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Simple math you say?

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You know what, FANCY PANTS, if you think you're better than me then you can go start your own damn blog. You think it's so damn easy, you don't even know how hard it was to get this started.

The capital alone-

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Already signed up for a free Blogger account you say?

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Go follow someone else. You people are too high maintenance for me.

Ok, in all seriousness though, I know it's been awhile. Really, I've been without anything good to talk about. I'm still in my spring courses, so all I do is work and class.

Legit, 3 days of class a week, the other 4 are work.

Sometimes my life gets so exciting that I need to just sit in a dark room sometimes. With no noise. Or pants.

Just breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

...

...

Uhhh....ummm....out.

I forgot.

I will go ahead and update you on some things that you may or may not be curious about:

Adventures in weight loss:

I'm rocking 181.6 as of this morning, so really, when I stopped blogging I also stopped working out. I suck. I'm a quitter, not a hitter.

But, I haven't gained it back, so that's good. Also, I hit the gym yesterday, so, not totally done.

Just being lazy for a little while, just like the blog.

Wow.

And to think my mother always told me I was a quitter...no, wait, I remembered that wrong. She always told me I was an accident.

Strange Tales from ACCT 311

It's Accounting. I got 96% percent on my midterm.

It's fucking boring, what else do you want?

The final is tomorrow, but I'm not studying to much. I'm really planning to coast off that 96%.

Group Work makes me want to kick myself in the face just so that when I have to go to the bathroom to clean up the blood I have an excuse to leave the room

Yeahhhhhhhh! More group work! Woo!!!!

Hmmm....I could of sworn that there used to be a "sarcasm" button next to the "bold" button.

Oh well.

That was sarcasm. I'm sick and tired of group work.

My current group likes to judge me when I don't have work to turn in...despite them also not having anything done. Hippocrates! Wait...no-that's right. Moving on.

Here are some of the delightful things that have left their ready-to-be-punched-mouths:

"Umm, like, I didn't get an e-mail from you, my e-mail is, like, broken."

3 seconds later she sends a reply to my email to someone else, with me cc'd. Arg.

Assclown: "Hey, that sentence is wrong, it has the word 'that' more than once."

Me: "That doesn't make it wrong."

Assclown: "I'm pretty sure it does, I remember learning that."

Me: *stab-self-in-face-with-pen*

Class is fun. Serially.

Camping!

I took a weekend off, because I fucking deserve it. It's my buddy's birthday and a bunch of us are going camping.

I have a pretty effing awesome surprise lined up for the weekend.

What is it you say? Well...

Click Here

That's right. Fuck you.

It's going to be epic, and there will be many pictures posted I'm sure.

Also, I don't believe in Sun-block.

For realsies.

It's just another way for The Man to control me!

Well I'm my own person, and I think it's far more natural to let the sun do to me what it likes.

Ryan Phillips: Motherfucking Movie Star!!!

Ahhhhhh Shit, I'm famous.

Kind of.

Well, let's put it this way: I'm now known to considerably more Muslim people than previously.

My buddy Shabbir and some of his friends were making a movie for the Mosquers, which is a yearly film festival here in Edmonton. Check out the home page here!

Anyways, they ended up winning for best comedy!

How do I factor in? They needed a white guy, I had some free time.

Big thanks to Shabbir, Shawn, Zeshan, Fahad, and Omair for letting my be in their great movie.

Also, thanks to Jamal Hersi for being fucking awesome.