What's this "Campaign Strategy" you speak of?

Sometimes stories just write themselves.

I'm sitting in my Management Information Systems class Thursday morning, getting all pumped up about the prospect of learning (you know how I do...),  when something down right hilarious happened. Well, I think it's hilarious, and I am the cruel and unrelenting dictator of this blog.

The instructor asks a group students something along the lines of "Oh I thought he wanted to do it this morning." (Keep your that's what he saids to yourselves, I'm pretty certain I missed the beginning of their conversation.) These students replied with a "Totally, yeah, but he slept in, he's on his way."

I didn't think a lot of it at the time, we often get people making announcements for their clubs, or sporting events, or whatever. We are about one step above community college, the instructors don't give a fuck. I could ask if it would be ok for me to give an announcement about a Starcraft LAN party I'm trying to throw and they'd be all like "DON'T TALK TO ME. I don't get paid enough for this....whatever."

So yeah, this guy eventually rolls in late. Messy hair, T-shirt, douchey looking motorcycle jacket. Which I realize is for safety, but it's not my fault it looks douchey. Once the instructor starts chatting with him I realize that this is the guy, and he goes up to make his presentation. I'm not really paying attention, but as soon as he starts in I know this is something I have to listen to...(this is fairly close to exactly what he said, I can't remember it word for word, but I promise I'm not trying to make it sound more hilarious.)

"Yeah, so, uhh, Student Elections are coming up, and you guys need to like, vote. Only like ten percent of the student population votes."

Ok, that makes sense, good for you. Voting is good...I don't do it, but I hear good things.


"So, for like, the Student Council, pretty much whoever gets nominated gets put on there, so just vote yes for everyone. It doesn't really matter. I'm running for *something something Business something*  and there can only be one of those."

Ok, What? You are actually running for something? In competition with someone else? I'm in Business, this could effect me. You don't seem on the ball, I should definitely listen so I know what your plans are.


"The other guy that is running, you've probably seen him around, he's giving out brochures. He's got a moustache, so don't vote for him."

First, brochures are smart. Where the hell are your brochures? I know nothing about anything you plan to do. Second, I will vote for any man with a moustache, big mistake telling me that.

Crap.

"Uhh, that's pretty much everything. Cool. Thanks bros."

How the fuck is that it? What are your plans once elected? What does the position entail. What is the other guy doing that makes you more qualified? Really, say anything related to the position at this point.


He really is finished and sits down, which prompts another person in class to say exactly what I was thinking:

"Guy, you didn't even tell us what your name was, how are we supposed to vote for you?"

"Oh, cmon I'm *Name-not-worth-remembering*, I'm the loud mouth in all of your classes. Everyone knows me."

This guy is in none of my other classes. I've also never noticed him stand out in this one before. I could tell by the looks on peoples faces I wasn't the only one thinking this. He has given us absolutely no aspect of a qualification for the position, but ensure us that he is a loudmouth. I believe this guy just committed political suicide.

"Blow-job joke to be added at later date"

Most people that aren't me are good at stuff.

My buddy Matt is awesome.
He is the type of guy that can talk you into doing something you hate, and have you thanking him by the end of it.
He's also so creative it makes me want to cry go work out, because I'm super envious that I have to rely on fart jokes all the times.
This being said, I'm going to shamelessly plug him, he's started writing some stuff and putting it on a Blog.
It's super good stuff, on my blog I just usually complain about people or make fun of my face, but he actually writes stuff. Good stuff, with like artistic merit and whatnot.
Pfft.
He can keep his "merit". I still have Nino.

Surprisingly he holds the world record for most Flapjacks eaten in 30 minutes.

Anyways, you can find the link to his awesome work right here, and also in the area on the right of "People that are cooler than me."
Go read it, or I'll put up topless photos of myself.
I SWEAR TO GOD I"LL DO IT.

Security Breach!

As you can see from the picture below, I've been hacked;

JK's! This actually happened!

Horrifying.
It's been decided that I need to pump up the security here at the blog. I'm a high priority target people.
You'll notice in the new banner up above that I've hired a crack security team.
...
We are still working out the details of services. I don't think they are working out...
Anyways.
I've taken it upon myself to find the identity of this hacker, because I"M NOT OK WITH DICKS.
Only I get to decide who puts dicks in my mouth-I mean - only I put dicks - agh, I mean - I get to choose the dicks- Gah!
...
...
I don't like dicks.
Moving on.
From my fairly expertise understanding of the internet (most of which was learned from the excellent 1995 movie Hackers) to "hack" someone you'd have to be very small.
You know, because the fence the internet puts up around my blog only has very small openings.
Judging by the size of the openings the intruder must have been about the size of a small dog...or a really big cat.
However...they wouldn't have the opposable thumbs necessary to type on a keyboard...
Oh god.
There's only one person it could have been:

Nino! Worlds smalles/coolest man!

Blast you Nino!
This round goes to you...but I'm already planning my counter-attack!
You think you're so cool...but we'll see how cool you are when I put those fancy sunglasses on top of your fridge.
THEN WHAT YOU SMUG BASTARD???

Ryan Phillips: Dean of Awesome.

School has started once again.
For me anyways, I doubt you people are educated. If you were I'm sure you wouldn't be reading a blog with so many fart jokes. Although to be fair, fart jokes are hilarious.
Moving on to my point:
We need to do more rigorous testing before letting people into Post-Secondary Institutions.
I know what you're thinking...
"Jeez Ryan, I'm surprised to hear that coming from you. You know...because you are lazy."
Oh imaginary-reader-who-sounds-just-like-me....you know me so well!
Yes. This is quite correct, I'm hella lazy. Or, as I like to think of it, hella efficient.

The more rigorous testing I discussed earlier is not in regards to "grades" or "extra-curriculars" or "other bullshit like that". No, I propose that we start screening potential students on more important aspects;
Like whether or not they are a complete jackass.
We need to stop the Douche-baggery people! It is running rampant all over this place, and I can't take it anymore!
Yeah, I'm sure all the people in here had good enough grades to skim by into their faculty of choice, but does that mean that they are "smart" enough to deserve to be here?

My Faculty of choice

Since these people are obviously incapable of helping themselves, I have taken it upon myself to help them with a handy list that they can refer to on days when they have school...or are leaving the house at all really.

Preparing for Your Day

It's early, I understand, I don't like it either. In fact I hate it.  I HATE IT SO MUCH!

Regardless of this, there are still some common courtesies that you must take into account for the benefit of your fellow students/humans/small-household-mammals.

I'm going to try and explain this in chronological order, so that when you print this off in the pocket-size travel version it is easy to follow along.

First things first, Shower. You are a disgusting human being. You sweat/poop/pee/ejaculate/eat-too-much-garlic on a fairly regular basis. Which is why you need to regularly clean yourself. Yes, it is ok to wake up super hungover and stumble over to the local McDonald's for a McGangBang. No, it is not ok to go to a crowded place for an extended period of time to sit elbow to elbow with people while you SMELL LIKE THE INSIDE OF AN OUTHOUSE. You're a grown-up, or, at the very least, almost a grown-up. Don't be gross. Also, use deodorant. Everyday. Quit fucking around.

Next.

School is not your house. School, as implied by the name, is fucking school. So that means I don't want to see you wearing any PJ's. These are for sleeping. Here's a simple test to decide if your outfit is appropriate: Look down. Are you wearing PJ's? Yes? Are you in your house? No? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Have some self-respect and don't dress like a homeless person when you go to the place that you are supposedly preparing to be some sort of "professional." This is not the only dress-code ruling; Also falling into this category; Sweatpants. Sweatpants are a major offender. Let me just throw this out there for you faithful-ish Blog-ites: If you aren't allowed to wear it to a Strip Club, don't fucking wear it to University.

The major problem with this dress code violation is one store, Lu-Lu Fucking Lemon. Ladies, I don't care how much you paid for your "Yoga" pants, or "Workout" pants, or "Tadasana" pants (that's right off their website, and I don't know what the hell it means. Do you?), I STILL DON"T WANT TO SEE YOUR DAMNED UTERUS WHILE I'M TRYING TO LEARN/NOT FALL ASLEEP. 

"Like, OMG Ryan, totally calm down, these are like designer pants, and they totally make my ass look good, also, some guys at Diesel Ultra Lounge (The official hangout of Date-rapists!) told me that it's totally a turn out to be able to see my vagina lips through my pants. Camel-toes are the new cleavage. It's totally business-casual."
NO.
Sweet Baby Jesus, NO.
Look, "Designer clothing is clothing that bears the logo of a recognizable fashion designer." Thanks Wikipedia! You know what that means? FUCK ALL. Let me tell you a little secret about Fashion Designers: they are people. Guess what? People are money hungry whores, everybody, even me, hell - especially me. A fashion designer will sell their name to any damned department store that is willing to pay them enough to throw their name on some shit and sell it. Keeping that in mind, LuLu Lemon doesn't even fall into that category!! It's the fucking company. That would be like me wearing only a Fruit of the Loom onesie and justifying it by saying it was "Designer."

I got a surprising amount of Porn when I google image searched "Adult Onesie"

I'm actually giving people a surprising amount a leeway on what to wear. All I'm saying is PJ's and Sweatpants aren't ok. There is a guy in my Stats class that has so far worn either a "Tap Out" or "Affliction" sweater to every class. Now, I may think that these sweaters are stupid, but he probably thinks my Justice League T-shirt is stupid also. However, as much as I disagree with his fashion sense, at least I can't see his wiener through his pants because he is proper enough to wear real pants out in public.

Travelling To and From School
A lot of students use public transportation to get to and from school. Probably due to the fact that we are literally FORCED to pay for it whether we will be using it or not. But regardless of how ecstatic you are to be on public transport (It smells like a hobo's insides! yay!) try to keep your glee contained and use a little common sense.

When entering the bus/train please let the people at the inside of the door get off first. Do not be like the girl on my bus the other day who literally stepped on right when the doors opened and started pushing her way through the line of upwards of 15 people attempting to exit. Seriously, just stand politely to the right or the left of the doors and hop on when they are done exiting. Not that hard to figure out.

When sitting on the aisle seat please pay attention to the person you have trapped next to you in the window seat, they will need to get out eventually, and when you see them start to stand up you need to do the same and get out of the way. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES remain seated and force them to awkwardly slide between you and the seat in front of you. What kind of sick fuck are you? That SHOULDN'T be enjoyable for either one of you, and if you're forcing people into that situation then I assume you're also the kind of person that tortured small animals as a child.

Walking is hard for you- I realize, maybe spit out your gum and try it again. But let me emphasize something that far too many people tend to ignore; walking has the same damn rules no matter where you are. PEDESTRIAN TRAFFIC SHOULD WORK THE SAME AS REGULAR TRAFFIC. I assume the people that don't understand this also don't understand how regular traffic is supposed to work. What it means is that, here in Canada, when you walk/drive you stay on your right. Walkers this applies in every situation Sidewalks, Hallways, Crosswalks, MALLS. Fucking Malls. I hate malls. Anyways, stay on the right, pass on the left. Don't walk down the middle of the damned sidewalk with two friends on either side of you. YOU ARE MONOPOLIZING THAT SIDEWALK AND THAT IS NOT OK.

At School
You're in the big leagues now! You've actually made it in, hopefully you have real pants on and don't smell like a skunk's anus. First and foremost, you don't own the place- so treat it with some respect, garbage in the garbage, recyclables...in the garbage, the point is just don't leave your trash laying out all over the damn place.

Remember our talk earlier about walking? Well it all applies here again with a small addition: Hallways are effin busy at certain times of the day, so stick to the rules as mentioned but also allow people to turn left. Let me make you a quick diagram.

Wow. This is why I write. What a piece of shit.

Ok. The green arrows represent the nice orderly flow of traffic, but when the red dot needs to get into the blue-dot classroom they have to stop. This is the problem everyone has trouble with, when you are in the up arrow and see that person waiting for an opening just FUCKING LET THEM IN. Otherwise they hold up all the people behind them and then the hallway turns into one big cluster-fuck.

While we are discussing simple manners that improve the lives of everyone around us why don't we add not eating food from packaging that make more noise than a shuttle launch. Let's think about this:

Turkey sandwich - Appropriate
Apple (Or most kinds of fruit) -Appropriate
Rice Cakes in foil-esque bag - I hope you get hit by a bus.

"We're super loud and taste like air! Yaaaay!"

I personally like to be on time. In fact I am usually early because I hate being late so much. That being said, we're all only human...for now. So it is understandable that you may from time to time be running late for things. Ok. We will have to deal with the interruption of you loudly stumbling in mid-class and fumbling around with the obscene amount of things you needed to bring while struggling to find the one empty seat remaining. I won't pull your card for this.
Just a quick question though....WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT EVERYDAY?! Seriously, EVERYDAY? Set your alarm earlier, walk faster, take an earlier bus. Do something, you have no excuse for being late everyday. All you are saying is "I don't give a fuck about this class, and I sure as hell don't give a fuck about inconveniencing you people." Well that's just plain rude.

Now somebody just put me in charge of a school and I will start taking care of this shit.
I know that this was mostly just me complaining, but I think most people who were taught to be polite to others would agree with me on most of this stuff. If not, I don't care.
I can do whatever I like around here.
T.I. told me so.

I should be sleeping. But I'm up thinking of you guys. GET OUT OF MY BRAIN.

Yeah, I really should be sleeping, but since I'm up...I might as well share with all you fine people (2 still counts as people...) the things I'm doing instead of sleeping.
Things like getting a Twitter account!(@BallsOutTweets)
Things like realizing I don't really know how to use Twitter!
Things like reviewing Smart Phones online!
Things like trying to follow people on Twitter that I think will make me seem coolest!
Things like realizing I've probably spent to much of my night on Twitter related activities!
Things like snacking!
Things like reading about why Zombies are even bigger suckers then I originally assumed they were!
Things like hearing my F-bomb sleep-whine from the other room and trying to guess what the hell she's dreaming about! (It's almost like a whimper...but more annoying.)
Things like watching awesome videos!


The Black Keys - Tighten Up - Official Video from Chris Marrs Piliero on Vimeo.



Things like Blogging!
Things like...uh-oh. I've actually now caught up to myself.
Fuck this. I'm going to bed.

"WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY OWN DORKINESS."

Tonight, at work, which is a movie theatre, this little showdown occurred between a guest* and myself;

Blonde Lady: "Hey handsome**, I was wondering which new movies came out this weekend?"

Me: "Well, our new movies open on Friday, so yesterday what came out was The Last Exorcism, and Takers. Also the special edition of Avatar, but that isn't technically new. I mean, 9 minutes of it are, but the rest isn't. Regardless, you probably saw it already, it was pretty much the biggest movie ever. No big deal. You should go see it again though for the extra 9 minutes. Did you see it in 3D?"

Blonde Lady: "Umm. Right. So which one of those two new movies is good?"

Me: : "I actually haven't seen either one, but that doesn't really matter. I can still tell you that they will both be horrible. I mean, The Last Exorcism, is a supposedly scary movie about an exorcism, and they try to get it all hyped up by throwing Eli Roth's name on there as a producer. But when it comes down to it they made it a 14A rating, how scary can a movie be if it didn't even get an 18A, you know? They just do that for money too, because a 14A film brings in the teenagers and that's where so much of the money is. Yeah, and Takers? Don't even get me started on that piece of junk! I mean, it's basically the movie Heat, except without any of the good things from Heat. They replace Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, and Robert DeNiro with Paul Walker, T.I., and Hayden 'Mannequin Skywalker' Christensen. It also has Chris Brown, and I think that alone is reason enough to never go see it. Plus the poster is terrible, that is the worst photoshop job I've seen in a long time."

Blonde Lady: "Uhh....so what is that second one about then?"

Me: "Bank Robbers."

Blonde Lady: "Oh, ok, I'll go to that one."

Don't you dare go see either of these films.
We won't be friends anymore.
For serious,
I'll kick you right off this blog.
...
I probably won't.
But still, save yourself the heartache and go see something good instead.
Also, here is that poster for Takers.

They look like Bobble Heads.
Bobble Heads would be able to portray more realistic emotions on film though.
*This is what employees of my particular movie theatre are required to refer to customers as. It's silly. Nobody would be offended if we referred to them as a customer.
**To the best of my recollection this is exactly what she said.

This place sucks. Sorry. Or not. Whatever.

Hey.
Yeah. I missed you guys too.
Oh...you didn't miss me at all?
That's sort of a rude thing to say....
Whatever. I don't curr.....
Alright....I'm sorry! JEEZ!
Cut me some slack...I'm really lazy....
I know these summer months have been some what lacking in terms of posting, and I'm sorry for that.
The get this show back on the road though, I've spruced up the place a bit and put a new banner up. I'm pretty much a baller now with all that bling-blang going on up there.
My classes start on the 8th, so I'm sure I will have plenty of time in between classes to waste your time with things. In fact, on Tuesdays I have 6 and a half fricking hours between classes!!!
It may be the best schedule EVER.
In the mean time, here's a couple of things you should know about.

Movie Snob-ism
The Expendables made a butt-load of money since it came out.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World did not.
I've seen both of these movies, and guess what? The Expendables sucked hard. Super Hard.
I was going into it thinking "Hey, this movie is going to have a terrible story, and terrible dialogue, but some top notch old school action." You know what? I love old school action. I miss the old days where people would use squibs and build awesome dummies to then chop in half. This is what I was so excited for!!
But then they didn't flipping do any of that.
CG blood spatter and CG knifings.
Are you effing kidding me? It wasn't even good CG, it was really cheap and bad.
Along with this is the fact that a majority of the fight scenes were filmed/edited into short, choppy shots, so much so that you can't tell if someone is fighting another person or maybe just doing some really intense Tae Bo.
My interpretation of this is that they made the movie with the expectation that it would be released as PG-13 (because that's where the money is kids!), but then decided at the end to "make it R" by simply adding some crappy blood and even lamer stabbing.
For shame guys, for shame.

Now, on the other hand, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World was soooo good.
I loved it.
My f-bomb loved it (even though she said it looked dumb and I forced her to go)
All my friends (Matt and Liz...that's all I have...) loved it!
My boss loved it!!!
Go see it.
Go spend copious amounts of money on it.
It is honestly a one of a kind film, with some very original ideas, not the story, obviously, it's based on a graphic novel. But the graphic novel was original!
It's a very funny, very entertaining film, and yet, it is losing out bad.

Last but not least; Piranha 3D.
Terrible in all the right ways. Just plain hilarious, go here and see most of the actors from the film completely mocking it. Good times.

Pure Awesome
Grant MacEwan University beer gardens!
To start the year off pretty much every post secondary institution does something, and this year two of my favourite local bands are playing at my school. If you are in Edmonton on the 9th and 10th come see Christian Hansen and the Autistics, and The Dudes!
Here's a little taste of the awesomeness.




PS
You'll notice that I didn't curse at all this entire blog post.
This is because i've been getting some complaints from some of the readers (you know who you are) that I use too much vulgar language.
So, just for you, I cut back.
You're fucking welcome.